Rollercoaster Ride...

Dear Bundle of Joy,

TUESDAY, MAY 17, 2016...

:) :) :) THIS IS THE FIRST POSITIVE PREGNANCY TEST THAT I HAVE EVER GOTTEN... IN MY LIFE!!! :) :) :) 

I of course started crying my eyes out... Below is the video I recorded when I took a peek at the stick for the first time... I was in disbelief.

I had to head off to work and couldn't believe what I saw! It finally happened. It's like I couldn't get too excited because now the fear of miscarriage is looming in the back of my head.

I went in to have a beta test done at Dr. Amols' office. They will check my levels and confirm pregnancy. They called me back and my HCG levels were around 357. They said this was very good and anything above a 5 meant I was pregnant. They wanted somethingI will go in again on Thursday to make sure that my levels have at least doubled... this is suggesting a live pregnancy that is progressing.

I can't believe you're here... now here's to hoping for a safe, healthy pregnancy! You could be here by the end of January if everything goes according to plan!

Wednesday, May 18, 2016- I was able to tell your dad tonight about me finding out that I was pregnant!!! It was a sight to see. I put a baby onesie as well as a "ticket" for "Baby Air" saying that the ticket was for the birth of our child... He wasn't noticing it on the kitchen table so I couldn't take it anymore so I said "Go look on the table!" He immediately said, "You're kidding, right?" I shook my head no and he immediately pulled me in to give me a big hug. He kept saying, "I love you, I love you, you're not kidding?" Warm tears started streaming down my face and I could tell that he was crying too because his body was trembling. He looked like the wind got knocked out of him.

When I pulled away, he said something that really showed me how excited he is for you to come. He said, "I don't think other people understand how exciting this is. They just get pregnant and find out quickly. They didn't have to go through all that you did". He also kept saying he was proud of me for doing this (i.e. all the doctor's appointments, shots, and heartache). It really meant a lot to me to hear that from him. Below is a picture of the onesie and "plane ticket".  We plan on sending these tickets to my parents and Jordan's parents. I made it in Keynote and just had them printed at Costco. We're probably going to wait until 8-12 weeks though... That would put us at around the middle of June or the middle of July... it's going to be soooo hard to keep this a secret! :)

Thursday, May 19, 2016: Today I had to go get another blood test again to confirm a healthy pregnancy. Since my HCG numbers were in the mid 300's, they were hoping for a number around 700. I was hoping for the best. I had a really bad migraine today, but not sickness of any kind. So, that could be good or bad. 

Friday, May 20, 2016: I received a call today saying that my numbers had declined. They were around 290. Not the news I wanted to hear. They want to bring me in on Sunday morning for another blood draw.

Sunday, May 22, 2016: I went to the office again today for another blood draw. I asked them what the outcomes could be and this is what they said: 

1) My numbers go down more: This would indicate an impending miscarriage. They said this option was safer than if my numbers went up.

2) My numbers go up: This would indicate a possible ectopic pregnancy (the egg attached to one of my fallopian tubes instead of my uterine wall). This could damage my tube and cause it to have to be removed, therefore unusable in the future.

So, my options were looking bleak. I left the office and held my composure until I shut my car door. A lump in my throat welled up, warm tears built up in my eyes, and finally a cry came out of my mouth. I couldn't believe that it had come to this: it finally happened; we got pregnant and now it was over already. Both options were devastating. I drove to church and tried to wipe away the evidence of me losing it in the car ride there. 

When I arrived, I grabbed Jordan as he walked out of Sacrament meeting and told him the news. I started crying again and he just held me. It was a sad moment. Completely opposite of what we felt last Wednesday night.

When I got home from church, I noticed that the doctor's office called and left me a message... they said it was good news and to give them a call. Good news? So,  I was thinking, "I guess my numbers dropped like they wanted". I called them back and no one answered. I was bummed because they might have all left for the day (on Sunday, they only do work for the time-sensitive patients in the morning and leave for the day since it is technically their day off). I left a message and about a half-hour later Dr. Amols gave me a call. He mentioned that my numbers came back today at over 2,000!!! This was so strange to go from 290 to over 2,000 that he had them re-run my blood work #2... he said there was a mistake and my blood work #2 was really at over 1,000!!! This meant that it was over double from my blood work #1.  He said he didn't know why the blood work came back so off and apparently it happened to someone else that day too. SO- apparently he said that everything looks fantastic. He mentioned that there could even be more than one possible because of how good the numbers are. :) :) :) :) :) So, we'll see. 

EVERYTHING LOOKS GOOD AS OF RIGHT NOW. EVEN THOUGH THINGS CAN CHANGE QUICKLY, IM GRATEFUL FOR A LITTLE MORE TIME WITH MY BABY ( OR BABIES)!!!

Love, 

Your Mom

Mother's Day

Dear Bundle of Joy,

This time of year has come again. I don't have many thoughts racing through my head like usual on this day.  However, it is hard to have a day set aside to remind me of what I DON'T have. It is also hard to know that what I want is righteous, but it just hasn't happened yet. I'm still trying to wrap my head around not being able to fulfill a commandment of "multiplying and replenishing the earth". I know the desires of our hearts is what matters, but it's something I think about periodically. Even with that said, it hasn't been as hard as the past couple years though, thankfully. Thoughts of having my own kids linger, but my thoughts are mainly geared toward my mom, family, and friends who are mothers.

Selfless. Loving. Charitable. Cheerful. Disciplined. Organized. Frugal. Calm. Reflective. Hardworking. Peacemaker. These words all describe my mom, your Obachan. I know you know she loves you. She's waited a long time for you too. Growing up, her love has always been shown to me; she always had a home of love and organization. She taught me how to clean, be respectful to others, and was always there after school- taxiing me to after school activities, sports, and friends houses. She was and is so selfless for our family. I love her and hope to be like her with my own family.

During church today I was reflecting on the tender mercies in my life recently. A couple of weeks ago, I had just found out that my 2nd IUI didn't work. It was devastating to say the least. I didn't want to go to church on account of my eyes being red from crying all morning. I thought about not going. I could skip one Sunday, right? I went anyway though. A tender mercy was shown me throughout the whole Sacrament meeting. It always seems like the days I feel like not going, but do, are the days that really have a big impact on me.

All the hymns sung that day spoke to me. One in Particular was "Lord, I Would Follow Thee". I have probably sung this hymn hundreds of times in my life but this time the lyrics were and are so powerful to me.

Savior, may I learn to love thee, 

Walk the path that thou has shown, 

Pause to help and lift another, 

Finding strength beyond my own.

Savior, may I learn to love thee, 

Lord, I would follow thee.

Who am I to judge another

When I walk imperfectly?

In the quiet heart is hidden

Sorrow that the eye can't see.

Who am I to judge another?

Lord, I would follow thee.

I would be my brother's keeper;

I would learn the healers art.

To the wounded and the weary

I would show a gentle heart.

I would be my brother's keeper

Lord, I would follow thee.

Savior, may I love my brother

As I know thou lovest me, 

Find in thee my strength, my beacon, 

For thy servant I would be.

Savior, may I love my brother

Lord, I would follow thee.

No matter where I am spiritually, no matter what is going on in my life, I can choose to follow the Savior and His example. I can do what God wants. I can help others. I can try to help with their burdens. With His strength I can keep going. I know this to be true. Like I've said before, I cannot handle the grief and sorrow and loss that I feel every month without the enabling power of the atonement. I am truly grateful for this challenge... it has given me a relationship with my Savior and Heavenly Father that I know wouldn't have come to pass another other way. Although difficult and I want it to pass, I know it is for my good.

All of the talks that day were on the Atonement and a couple spoke of the enabling power of the Atonement. It was all reassuring that God loves me. He wants me to be happy. He is there for me. He is there for you, whenever and whatever the instance.

The fight goes on. We are continuing with fertility treatments and hope one (you) will stick.

Although tough, this day also is a reminder of what I DO have: 
-I have faith in God, His timing, and His ways
-I have a testimony in this gospel, which gives me the faith and comfort I seek
-I have a loving husband, your dad, that is working as hard as he can to provide for our family
-I have a loving mother and father. One to cherish and love. Some aren't so lucky to have their parents alive to celebrate with.
-I have a great family who loves me
-We have jobs, a nice house, all things temporally that we need
-We have Scout, my emotional support doggie. Even though she hates my squeezes, she sits through them most of the time... I think she knows it helps me when I long to hold you...

Until you come,
[future] Mom

IUI #3 (April - May 2016)

Dear Bundle of Joy,

So we're off to lucky #3! This last failed IUI was really hard for me. I felt like it was the hardest to "bounce back" from, thus far. But, like always, I got over it and kept pushing on. It will happen when it is supposed to happen. I had a sweet friend drop of a picture frame with the quote "Keey trying, trusting, believing, growing. Heaven is cheering you on today, tomorrow, and forever" -Jeffrey R. Holland. It means a lot to me knowing other people care and are thinking about me in this long process. It also is nice having a very supportive husband who will hold me while I cry,  and cry,  and cry. He's very faithful and knows it'll happen when it's supposed to.


CD 2: Thursday, April 21- So, I had an appointment today to start round #3! I was afraid we'd have a cyst, like before, and have to delay treatment. If that were the case, we wouldn't have been able to do this month since I will be out of town for Girls Camp June 1-4. BUUUUUT the stars were aligned and no cysts this round!!! :) He is changing up the medication amounts this round to be more aggressive (but also more expensive with meds on my end...) in the beginning. Crossing our fingers... again!

CD 3: Friday, April 22- Today was cycle day 3 so I started taking my 2 Femara pills. Easy peazy, lemon squeezy.

CD 4: Saturday, April 23- Tonight I had to take my 2 Femara pills and also 125u of Gonal-f. It was a quick and easy shot! Hooray!

CD 5: Sunday, April 24- 2 Femara pills were on the menu tonight!

CD 6: Monday, April 25- 2 Femara pills and another shot of 125u of Gonal-f! The shot didn't like my left side (it stuck me and didn't really slide in... it hurt!), so I switched it to the right. It went right in! All afternoon and night I was soo tired and had a migraine. It was the worst, so I took a nap when I got home from work and still managed to go to sleep at 9!

CD 7: Tuesday, April 26-  2 Femara pills tonight! When I woke up I felt great- I was glad to see that my migraine had gone away. For some reason, around 8:00am I started to feel so nauseated! It lasted about an hour with cold sweats coming and going. I was substituting at a good high school today so managing them wasn't bad, so that's good. Around 9:00am I bent over a trash can behind the teacher's desk in the classroom and threw up! Ugh! It was a small class in a "study hall" type period, so at least it was a very informal class. The kids were very kind, but it was still kind of embarrassing. I told them it was a side effect of a prescription that I was taking and that I was fine. I went home from work and had an upset stomach all afternoon and evening.

CD 8: Wednesday, April 27-  I wasn't nauseous today, so that was good! I was really tired which was really weird since I took a nap and went to sleep early last night... Anyway, I had an ultrasound today the the RE's office since it was CD8. Everything is turning out great! I had 5 follicles that were all at 14mm! This is good, but cautiously good. We can't have too many follicles that reach maturity: ideally 3-4. (However, Dad keeps saying "who cares if there are 5... when there were 3 or 4 the last couple times it didn't work." Apparently, he's okay if we have quintuplets or something haha!) For this reason, my units of my shot tonight were lowered from 125 units to 75 units. So, for tonights meds it is 2 Femara pills as well as a shot of 75u of  Gonal-f. Dr. Amols wants to bring me in again tomorrow morning before work for another ultrasound to monitor the follicles and their reaction to the 75 units. Hoping everything works the way it should!

CD 9: Thursday, April 28- Today I went to the doctors before work. I have 4 follicles that are measuring at 15mm. He says this is good. He wanted me to use 100u of gonal-f tonight and come back tomorrow. The shot actually went in smoothly and didn't hurt--- hooray! I gave the shot just to the right of my belly button and it seems that my right side cooperates better. So, I will see what he says tomorrow at 4:45 at my appointment... hopefully its a go!

CD 10: Friday, April 29- This afternoon I had a huge migraine all day and some nausea for about an hour while at work. I also had another appointment with Dr. Amols today after work. I had 3 follicles that are measuring at 16mm and 1 follicle at 17mm.  He is very happy with this cycle and the fact that no eggs regressed like it did last cycle. Hopefully... I am taking one more shot tonight of 75 units of Gonal-f. Also, Dr. Amols wants to see if we can hold out one more day in order for them to get a little bigger and therefore, more viable. He doesn't want my body to release these eggs on their own, so he gave me another shot to take home and give myself tomorrow morning to prevent ovulation. Then, I'll be giving myself the Trigger Shot on Monday morning, with the IUI on Tuesday afternoon!

CD 11: Saturday, April 30- This morning I woke up and gave myself the Ganirelix shot. The first stick was pokey. The second stick I decided to go in harder- and it went in without a pinch. Hopefully it does what it's supposed to do and delays ovulation so that we can trigger it ourselves when we want it to.

CD 12: Sunday, May 1- Today was fast Sunday. I was obviously fasting for you. I think a lot of other people were too. Before going to bed, I asked Dad for a blessing of peace, for my body to be relaxed, and for me to be okay with any outcome. It was a special moment. Warm tears were streaming down my face the entire time. I felt peace. I felt that I could let go and know that Im not in charge of this. I felt assurance that God loves me and knows the desires of my heart. I love the power of the priesthood. I am blessed to have it available in my life.

CD 13: Monday, May 2- So, I woke up at 4am this morning to take my trigger shot out of the fridge. I shut my eyes for a bit and then gave the shot to myself at 445am once it had gotten to room temperature. It was quick and (pretty) painless (I did it on the right side ha). I mostly wanted to get it done so I could sleep for another hour and a half before having to get up for work. It was a pretty big motivator ;) Maybe this will be the last shot until you arrive!

CD 14: Tuesday, May 3- IUI DAY! Work was easy today, which I was hoping for! I was calm all day. Dad was able to go to the doctor's office at 3:15pm and then my appointment was at 4:45pm. He wasn't able to come to the actual IUI because he had night shift work and had to rush home as it was. I was a little sad, but I also don't want him tired while flying airplanes at night. They were able to do the procedure with little discomfort. My cervix was being difficult again so they needed to use another tool to open it up. There was slight cramping, but no bleeding at the doctors office. There was a little bit of discharge throughout the rest of the evening. When I got home, I had some short, severe cramping which apparently can happen. It was painful...  Now, off for some rest and the dreaded 2ww.

3DPIUI: Friday, May 6th-  I forgot to take my progesterone suppository tonight!!! With trying to relax this cycle and not really think about everything going on, it completely slipped my mind that I was supposed to take this! Uh-oh!

4DPIUI: Saturday, May 7th-  I forgot to take my progesterone suppository tonight!!! ah!

5DPIUI: Sunday, May 8th- I forgot to take my progesterone suppository tonight!!! ah!

6DPIUI: Monday, May 9th-  I remember that I was supposed to take the progesterones... So I took one before I went to bed.

7DPIUI: Tuesday, May 10th- Since I forgot to take these, I took another suppository in the morning. I also took another one at night before bed.

8DPIUI: Wednesday, May 11th- I took another suppository in the morning as well as another one before bed.

9-11DPIUI: Thursday/Friday/Saturday, May 12/13/14- I didn't have any symptoms of the progesterone or of a potential pregnancy. I was starting to lose hope and prepare myself for a negative cycle.

12-13DPIUI: Sunday/ Monday, May 15/16-  I was started to feel bloated like I did last cycle so I suspected that my period was going to start in a couple days (as expected)

14DPIUI: Tuesday, May 17- I tested this morning... I was preparing myself for a negative since last round I was so convinced that I was pregnant but it ended up in a BFN. MUCH TO MY SURPRISE... THIS IS WHAT I SAW:

Love,
Your mom (FINALLY!!!)

IUI #2 (February-April 2016)

Dear Bundle of Joy,

Since January's IUI was unsuccessful, we are at it again! My friends were so thoughtful and send me some flowers. It was a sweet gesture that I started crying: reminded that it didn't work out, but also touched that they had the thought to think of me during their busy lives.

CD 3: Wednesday, February 3- I had an ultrasound to check on my lining and follicles. There was 1 cyst on my right ovary... so I had to be put on birth control and go back in 2 weeks.

CD 17: Wednesday, February 17- I had another ultrasound to check on the status of my one cyst. It had actually gotten larger. :( Dr. Amols said that we most likely didn't catch it in time so it wasn't affected by the stopped hormones and kept growing on its own. Now, we have to wait a few weeks for my cycle to naturally start and for the cyst to go away on its own. The waiting game starts once again. :/

**************************************************************

CD 3: Wednesday, March 23- My cycle finally started and I had my check up today to see if that cyst had gone away... and IT HAD! YAY! We can move on with IUI #2. Dr. Amols wanted to try a different combination of medication this time around. I will be taking the Femara oral medications and injections (Gonal-f) at the same time. Using Gonal-f is different this time around and it means more shots (and about $450 more to even buy it)!  I'll be giving myself 2 shots by injecting my stomach on Day 4 (100 units) and Day 6 (75 units). Ugh. I hate giving myself shots but I'll do anything to get you here. Annnnd these shots are premixed in a pen, so I don't have to measure out and mix it myself (like I had to do with the Menopur last cycle)- I'd call that a {little} win! haha. 

Gonal-f pen... just TWIST and STICK!

CD 4: Thursday, March 24- 2 pills of Femara tonight!

CD 5: Friday, March 25- 2 pills of Femara tonight!

CD 6/7: Saturday/ Sunday, March 26/27- 2 pills of Femara on Saturday and Sunday. Today I had several throbbing pains in my right side. I'm hoping this is a good sign and my follies are growing, growing, growing! I go on Monday (CD 8) for a follicle check--- hope all goes well. :)

CD 8: Monday, March 28- I had another ultrasound and was told to take another shot! This time it will be 75 units of the Gonal-f. He said that there were about 7 follicles, measuring around 9-11mm each. Most of the time follicles stop growing while others keep going with the medication. He's hoping this will happen because at 7 follicles, we wouldn't be able to go forward with the IUI. The follicles need to be around 15mm or larger in order to be viable to conceive. He wants me to come back tomorrow for another ultrasound.

CD 9: Tuesday, March 29- I visited the office again today. There were some follicles measuring around 9mm still (this is good), while others grew a little to around 11-13mm. He did say it was "slow and steady" but was "hoping they'd be further along", so I have to give myself another shot of 100 units of Gonal-f tonight! :( AS WELL AS another shot of 75 units of Gonal-f tomorrow night! :( Then, he's bringing me back for an ultrasound on the 31st to check things out. I should know when I'm going to have to do my trigger shot then...

I know I'll get used to giving myself shots, but I'm still "not there" yet.... Boo!

CD 10: Wednesday, March 30- I went to put the shot in like every other time and for some reason it hurt so bad, so I had to pull it out since it wasn't even half-way in. I tried again and even switched sides... it didn't hurt going in, but when I took it out it tingled. I rubbed it out, like I usually do, and noticed it hurt. I looked down and I could tell there was an instant bruise. Apparently I touched something in there and made it bruise... I couldn't lean over for the rest of the night, but it was fine the next day. 

CD 11: Thursday, March 31- I had another ultrasound to look at the follicle growth today. It looked good. I had some follices at 16 and another at 14. Three very good looking follicles with a 4th really close to being viable! He administered another shot of 100 units of Gonal-f  and wants me to come back tomorrow for my (hopefully) last ultrasound. 

CD 12: Friday, April 1- I left work to have my ultrasound done. Dr. Amols was a little surprised to see that one of my eggs got smaller! :( Not good. Now I only had one egg at 16 and one at 14 and another at 15... I was given another shot in the office and had another ultrasound tomorrow morning... 😧 Dr. Amols said he didn't want to scare me,  but he has only seen this happen once before. When I asked what it could mean, he said that my body could be becoming resistant to these drugs, thinking its foreign so it rejects it. Boo. He said we could always up the dosage IF that is what's happening, but obviously that means that it is just more money :( Here's to hoping tomorrow morning all my eggs have grown and we're ready to do my Trigger Shot! *crossing fingers*

CD 13: Saturday, April 2- I had another ultrasound today. My follicles were up! I had a 16, 17, and 18! They gave me one more shot to make sure they didn't decline the next couple days. They informed me that my Trigger Shot will be tonight at 11:30pm- on the dot! Then my IUI will be on Monday, April 4.

I don't know if it was because I was tired, the hormones in me, or something else, but I had a little breakdown tonight. It took me like 10 minutes to give myself the shot. :( I poked myself a few times and had to take it out because it hurt too much. I started crying and hating the situation. Why can't I get pregnant like everyone else? Why do I have to poke myself with these needles? Why do I have to fill my afternoons with doctors appointments? Why? Then, Dad said to lay down on the bed and relax my stomach muscle then give myself the shot. I did that and was finally able to get it in, with the hope of sleep in the minutes after I stuck myself. It wasn't bad this time around. Ugh. Hopefully this is the last shot I have to give myself.... :)

CD 15: Monday, April 4- IUI DAY!!! I had to take work off today since the only appointment time that would work with your Dad's and my schedule was 11:30am. When I got there I was calm and at peace with whatever might happen. There were some complications with my cervix not opening correctly, so I experienced a lot more pain than last time around. There was blood and cramping, but nothing concerning. As I waited on the table for 15 minutes, it was quiet, the room was dark, and I was able to contemplate happy and hopeful thoughts of you joining our life. Now comes the dreaded 2WW (2 week wait)... along with progesterone (a medication that mimics pregnancy symptoms- headaches, fatigue, and nausea are most common... grrrreat!) 

This wait is a time where my heart feels full of faith and hope but my brain reels it in with caution. Here's to hoping! :) Whatever comes, God knows best.

4DPIUI: Friday, April 8- Hopeful thinking or reassuring thought? I'll let you decide: I had a very vivid dream last night where I was at the doctor's office. Dr. Amols came in and said that my hormone levels were basically tripled from the "Safe" levels. In my mind I thought "TWINS!". Then, I woke up. I still had the literal feeling of "happy" when I woke up. I am really excited if that is the case. However, my brain had to reel in my hopeful thoughts in order to save my heart in case it doesn't work out. However, I feel that this time around I do feel better about it working out than last time! I like this feeling. We'll see what happens...

7DPIUI: Monday, April 11- Ive been having very painful and,*tugging* like pains in my stomach area. I usually do not have cramping preceeding my cycle, but either way, these feel completely different. It's hard to say what it could be. The progesterone suppositories are cruel and unusual punishment for people TTC. They mimic pregnancy symptoms... but you could be suffering them for 2 weeks and then still end up not pregnant. We'll see in a couple of days...

9DPIUI: Wednesday, April 13- While at work today, I started to get similar cramps that happen on Day 1 of my cycle. I was terrified that my cycle had started early and the feeling of disappointment, failure, and loss started to creep in.  To my surprise, I hadn't started my cycle! Woo hoo- I lived another day ;) The waiting game continues until Monday! 

13DPIUI: Sunday, April 17- Much to my surprise, I got a big, fat negative today. I really thought and felt different this round. I could only last through sacrament meeting today. It was a great service but my mind kept wandering to that negative pregnancy test. Will I only see negative? When will it happen? Will it ever happen? I couldn't pretend to be happy. I had to go home. My eyes hurt from so much crying today. I feel so defeated. lonely. sad. Later in the evening I had a Stake Girl's Camp meeting (I am the stake videographer/photographer). My assignment for the night was to interview the girls about questions involving the theme: "Press Forward with the Light of Christ". I feel like the theme is more for me than the girls. I felt of God's love for me during this time where I am trying to Press Forward when the girls were answering the questions. I know there's a reason and a purpose for this, but I still struggle with it in some moments... especially these moments when I find out we still aren't pregnant yet... :'(

I think that we might be able to complete one more cycle before I have to head to camp... as long as I don't have any cysts. We'll see what happens...

Until next time...

Love, 

Your Parents

"One Day Closer"

Dear Bundle of Joy,

Making a baby is the hardest thing I have ever done.

It hurts to hear the commandment "multiply and replenish the Earth". It reminds me that I haven't and I can't... yet. I know its not a punishment from God, but it is hard to wrap my mind around NOT being able to follow a commandment even though we really want to. I know it is the intent of my heart, but it still stings.

Throughout this experience, I have thought about each day as "one day closer":

One day closer to:
-peace
-being filled with hope
-becoming pregnant
-becoming better
-accepting God's timing
-increased faith

However, if I lose my faith in God it could be different.

Once day closer to:
-less peace
-losing hope
-becoming discouraged
-becoming angry with God
-having less faith
-becoming miserable

Trials can yield very different results... it depends on  how we react to and respond to the circumstances and whether we utilize the atonement in our life or if we are too proud to do so. Hopefully you can always know that the atonement can and will help you through any trial in your life.

Love,
Mom