This time of year has come again. I don't have many thoughts racing through my head like usual on this day. However, it is hard to have a day set aside to remind me of what I DON'T have. It is also hard to know that what I want is righteous, but it just hasn't happened yet. I'm still trying to wrap my head around not being able to fulfill a commandment of "multiplying and replenishing the earth". I know the desires of our hearts is what matters, but it's something I think about periodically. Even with that said, it hasn't been as hard as the past couple years though, thankfully. Thoughts of having my own kids linger, but my thoughts are mainly geared toward my mom, family, and friends who are mothers.
Selfless. Loving. Charitable. Cheerful. Disciplined. Organized. Frugal. Calm. Reflective. Hardworking. Peacemaker. These words all describe my mom, your Obachan. I know you know she loves you. She's waited a long time for you too. Growing up, her love has always been shown to me; she always had a home of love and organization. She taught me how to clean, be respectful to others, and was always there after school- taxiing me to after school activities, sports, and friends houses. She was and is so selfless for our family. I love her and hope to be like her with my own family.
During church today I was reflecting on the tender mercies in my life recently. A couple of weeks ago, I had just found out that my 2nd IUI didn't work. It was devastating to say the least. I didn't want to go to church on account of my eyes being red from crying all morning. I thought about not going. I could skip one Sunday, right? I went anyway though. A tender mercy was shown me throughout the whole Sacrament meeting. It always seems like the days I feel like not going, but do, are the days that really have a big impact on me.
All the hymns sung that day spoke to me. One in Particular was "Lord, I Would Follow Thee". I have probably sung this hymn hundreds of times in my life but this time the lyrics were and are so powerful to me.
Savior, may I learn to love thee,
Walk the path that thou has shown,
Pause to help and lift another,
Finding strength beyond my own.
Savior, may I learn to love thee,
Lord, I would follow thee.
Who am I to judge another
When I walk imperfectly?
In the quiet heart is hidden
Sorrow that the eye can't see.
Who am I to judge another?
Lord, I would follow thee.
I would be my brother's keeper;
I would learn the healers art.
To the wounded and the weary
I would show a gentle heart.
I would be my brother's keeper
Lord, I would follow thee.
Savior, may I love my brother
As I know thou lovest me,
Find in thee my strength, my beacon,
For thy servant I would be.
Savior, may I love my brother
Lord, I would follow thee.
No matter where I am spiritually, no matter what is going on in my life, I can choose to follow the Savior and His example. I can do what God wants. I can help others. I can try to help with their burdens. With His strength I can keep going. I know this to be true. Like I've said before, I cannot handle the grief and sorrow and loss that I feel every month without the enabling power of the atonement. I am truly grateful for this challenge... it has given me a relationship with my Savior and Heavenly Father that I know wouldn't have come to pass another other way. Although difficult and I want it to pass, I know it is for my good.
All of the talks that day were on the Atonement and a couple spoke of the enabling power of the Atonement. It was all reassuring that God loves me. He wants me to be happy. He is there for me. He is there for you, whenever and whatever the instance.
The fight goes on. We are continuing with fertility treatments and hope one (you) will stick.
Although tough, this day also is a reminder of what I DO have:
-I have faith in God, His timing, and His ways
-I have a testimony in this gospel, which gives me the faith and comfort I seek
-I have a loving husband, your dad, that is working as hard as he can to provide for our family
-I have a loving mother and father. One to cherish and love. Some aren't so lucky to have their parents alive to celebrate with.
-I have a great family who loves me
-We have jobs, a nice house, all things temporally that we need
-We have Scout, my emotional support doggie. Even though she hates my squeezes, she sits through them most of the time... I think she knows it helps me when I long to hold you...
Until you come,
[future] Mom
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