10 Things I LOVE about MY LIFE Right NOW: 2/10 Eternal Marriage

Dear Bundle of Joy,

I know that I can be happy now, and it would be sad and selfish if I lived with the attitude of "when I have kids I'll be happy", or "when ____ happens, then I'll be happy". (Plus, don't we all know that there's hard things at every stage in life??? I thought I wanted to be done with college and be a real adult... until I realized all the responsibility it held! haha) 

So, here's to things that I love about my life RIGHT NOW!

NUMBER 2: Jordan and our Eternal Marriage

               Excited to be married!                                                                        Always looking toward the temple!

His smirk gets me every time...

My wedding dress!

Sunset

My parents house where we held our wedding reception!

The receiving line before it started...

Our cake cutting area

Our beautiful cake!

He fed me...

...I smashed him...

...He tried to smash me back...

...Jordan gets his first scolding... Haha.

My Husband :)

Love, 

Mom

10 Things I LOVE about MY LIFE Right NOW: 1/10 God/ Christ/ Gospel

Dear Bundle of Joy,

Over the next 10 posts, I will be doing a "10 Things I LOVE about MY LIFE right NOW" (In no particular order). There are obviously days where I feel down, like I'm not making an impact on others' (like children) around me, and to be completely honest, left behind from "where I should be". However, the last couple months I haven't had a day like this and have been very happy. -Yay me!- I've noticed how much I have to be thankful for. I really have an awesome life; I love it.

There was a quote I found from President Uchtdorf, second counselor in the First Presidency of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, that I really enjoyed. His talk was mostly about how we as mortals fail but we must pick ourselves up and keep going. Not totally relevant, but I did like one of the last paragraphs he said:

"We acknowledge that your path will at times be difficult. But I give you this promise in the name of the Lord: rise up and follow in the footsteps of our Redeemer and Savior, and one day you will look back and be filled with eternal gratitude that you chose to trust the Atonement and its power to lift you up and give you strength."

I know that without Christ's atonement, that I would be in a very rough spot right now. I know that it is through His help and love that I have been able to have WAY more good days than sad. I'm happy to know that I chose and continually choose to trust in Him everyday and not let this trial/experience/"setback" take over my life and ruin a good thing. It is only by this trust and faith in Him that I can find many things to be joyful about, even when one of the most important things I've wanted in my life is not yet here, you. 

I know that I can be happy now, and it would be sad and selfish if I lived with the attitude of "when I have kids I'll be happy", or "when ____ happens, then I'll be happy". (Plus, don't we all know that there's hard things at every stage in life??? I thought I wanted to be done with college and be a real adult... until I realized all the responsibility it held! haha) 

So, here's to things that I love about my life RIGHT NOW!

NUMBER 1: Scriptures, the Gospel, and (of Course) God and Jesus Christ.

Okay, so I basically grouped all of the "Primary Answers" into one category and called it my #1. Well, the basics is what is important. I am so happy and grateful for my time that I have made a priority this year to re-read the Book of Mormon. (Side note: This year (2015) I have made the goal to read the Book of Mormon 3 times!... It's the end of April and I'm on track to be finished next week for the 1st read! Go me!) I have also kept a scripture journal where I can write down thoughts, feelings, insights, etc. It has focused my reading so that I can find nuggets of truth in every chapter. This way, I know that I am not just reading for speed or reading to "check it off" for the day. I really have learned so much in the past couple months during my 1st read, that I'm excited to see what else I can learn from it two more times this year!

By reading this book, I feel the daily comfort, strength, and power it lends me. I am able to receive daily revelation and insights by studying its pages. It is a great source of comfort as I relate gospel principals to my life and try and better myself. It is a source of strength to know that God and Christ are aware of me and He has performed the atonement so that I do not have to suffer alone. Because of the atonement, it is a true source of power to overcome my hardest days. This book is a book from God for our use and helps keep me  thinking "eternally" and that things are in God's timing. 

Love, 

Mom

Blessed Easter!

Dear Bundle of Joy,

Today is Easter! This past week, Dad actually got home early enough for us to go to the Mesa Temple Easter Pageant! This is a fun Easter tradition that we try to go to every year. While at the pageant, I had several thoughts and feelings that made me think of this trial and process that we are going though trying to get you here. I also had the great timing of being at 3 Nephi in my scripture reading this weekend. I was able to read about the signs of Christs birth, death, and visitation of the Americas!  I found one REALLY interesting insight...

• 3 Nephi 8: 20-23: When reading about the darkness that covered the land when Christ was crucified, I found something very interesting. Usually, in scripture, we are given the visualization that Light ALWAYS dispels darkness: Christ's light can always dispel the darkness of sin/satan/ etc. However, in these verses, no light, fire, candles, or torches could be lit. I can only think that this was because Christ was dead. Once the 3 days was over (once Christ was resurrected), they were able to have light. Without Christ, there is no light. We would be stuck in darkness or sin. WITH CHRIST (THE light), he can dispel our burdens, our grief, our pain, our sins. 

• Christ suffered so that we don't have to suffer alone. He knows exactly what we are going through. He has complete EMPATHY for us. A quote that I love comes from David A. Bednar where he said, "You and I in a moment of weakness may cry out, "No one understands. No one knows". No human being perhaps knows, but the Son of God perfectly knows and understands. For he felt and bore the burdens before we ever did". He knows our struggles.

• I would rather not go through this trial and heartache labeled "Infertility", but I realize that it helps me grow and rely on God and Christ. Although Christ is perfect, He also understands not wanting to go through hard things. It says in Luke 22:42 "Saying, Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done." I take this as Christ asking God if there was ANY other way, then he wanted to know. But since there was no other way, Christ released his will and wholly submitted to the Father's. Let me just say, I am not saying that what I am going through is ANYTHING EVEN REMOTELY close to what Christ did... but what I AM SAYING is that Christ knows what it feels like to not like what we are going through. He, once again, set the PERFECT example of how we should act when things don't go the way we *think* they should have. 

• Christ showed us that it is God's will, timing, and plan- not ours. But, ultimately, His plan is better than anything I could plan, dream, expect- I know this! 

• I know that Christ lives. He is there to carry our sorrows since he has true empathy. He knows how to succor us because he knows us individually. He lives today and can help us now- No matter what we are going through.

• I know that because of Him, many things are possible. Because of him, we too can live again. Because of Him, we can be forgiven of our shortcomings and sins. Because of Him, we can be comforted in our trials and struggles. Because of Him, we will be able to have children eventually. Because of Him, we can have peace and joy in this life

Love, 

Your Parents

Still Waiting For You...

Dear Bundle of Joy,

Don't worry- We are still waiting and thinking of you... Like all my past attempts at keeping a journal, I have let time go. It has been 11 months since my last post.

Last April 2014, we were blessed to move into a home that we were able to purchase. It is a cozy home, but large enough for Jordan, me, and Scout. Jordan started flying for a Skydive Arizona to earn flight hours to eventually get to the Majors. During the Winter and Spring 2014/15, your dad has been working about 12 hour days, with only a day or two off every 14-20 days! Needless to say, he is working hard. I love him for that. He is enjoying his work though, which makes it a little easier I guess.

I have been loving the extra time of relaxation I have had this past school year since I am subbing for the district instead of teaching. I get home around 3 or 4 pm now with no thought of lesson plans, countless hours of Individual Education Plans to write, other Special Education paperwork, activities to prepare, or behaviors to manage. It is glorious. However, I do miss the 1:1 long-term relationships with the students that come with having my own classroom.

It seems that we keep running into hurdles trying to get you here. In previous posts, I have mentioned us taking some action with my gynecologist, all the testing and blood work we have done, and the countless hours we have fasted, prayed, and hoped for you. These past 10 months have also proved to bring up a couple more hurdles. Since my iron levels weren't up to par, I had to get an iron prescription. It wasn't anything major, but my RE wasn't going to do the IUI if everything wasn't almost perfect- which I respected. It took WAYYY longer that we anticipated. Almost 4 months. That's 4 attempts that we missed. :( I hate looking at time as "missed attempts"... oh well. Plus, add another month onto that because my doctor's office didn't call me to report my lab results (even though I had the lab RE-send my results to my doctor's office 2 times!), which resulted in me calling almost every other day for about 2 weeks before I could get anyone to call me back... grrr. Once I found out that my iron was up to par, we thought we were ready for our IUI. However, the next month, my cycle began and it didn't stop for a month! It was terrible. Because of this, I had to quickly get onto birth control... talk about COUNTERPRODUCTIVE! Doesn't the saying go, "When it rains, it pours"? Ugh. Another month wasted. I have been on birth control for the last 3 months. This month things seem to be "normal" (...what is that anyway?!), so *knock on wood* that it stays this way!

With all of that going on this last school-year, Jordan and I have tossed around the idea of fostering kids. Maybe just foster to help at first, but if one comes along that we feel fits into our family and we feel that we are supposed to raise him or her- then we'll adopt. Who knows, maybe you are already born and are waiting for us to find you...

I can't help but feel that all these situations that were slowing down our progress with completing a procedure could have been the time set for us to be able to contemplate our other options (fostering). Or, it also could be the hurdles that try our faith before our blessing (you) comes. I don't really know which it is yet... I guess I still need to pray, fast, and go to the temple to receive more on these thoughts...

Whether you come to us via foster, adopting, or fertility procedures- we are still waiting for you.

Love,
Mom and Dad (and scout haha)

Mother's Day

Dear Bundle of Joy, 

The last month has been a whirlwind: moving (AGAIN!), getting the school year wrapped up, packing up my classroom, and your dad left to North Dakota for work and applying for flying jobs around there! Will things every slow down? I think not. 

Through all this craziness, I have been trying to find uplifting and spiritual messages regarding our struggle to get you here and how we, as parents, can "keep the faith" that all will work out for our good. Deep down, we know that EVERYTHING is in God's timing and are faithful in this... however, like I said before, sometimes I become sad or doubtful--- we just want you here! :)

Anyway, through contemplation, study, and research, I came upon this very important truth about a month ago: Motherhood is more of a characteristic, rather than how many children you have actually borne. 

Knowing  the story of Adam and Eve, Adam and Eve were commanded to "multiply and replenish the Earth". They were commanded this before they even understood what this meant... since they were "as little children". Eve was called the "Mother of all living" before she bore children.  In order for her to realize what they were commanded and to start having children, they had to "fall" first.  

Like Eve, I had to have a "falling" of my own. 
A falling of pride- thinking that "its not fair", "why me", "I should be a mother NOW", "I would be such a good mom!". 
A falling to my knees
A falling of my own plans  
With these falls,  I actually rose. 
A rise in humility.  
A rise in faith.  
A rise in hope. 
A rise in gratitude and love.  
A rise in empathy. 
A rise in service. 
A rise in selflessness.  
A rise in gospel knowledge--- really truly believing in that God will keep all his promises and that we'll be given a chance to raise children in the next life... if it doesn't happen here. 
A rise in commitment and dedication to the Lord- that no matter the trial, I will remain faithful. 

I realized that the PROS definitely out-weigh the CONS. And, more PROS are added every day! I am grateful for trials and the "rises" they bring to me... with each rise, I get closer to heaven, to feel of his love for me and all that is in store for me--- in this life and in the next. 


About a month after I had this realization, I came upon this quote from Sister Patricia Holland:

"As I tenderly acknowledge the very real pain that many single women, or married women who have not borne children, feel about any discussion of motherhood, could we consider this one possibility about our eternal female identity—our unity in our diversity? Eve was given the identity of “the mother of all living”—years, decades, perhaps centuries before she ever bore a child. It would appear that her motherhood preceded her maternity, just as surely as the perfection of the Garden preceded the struggles of mortality. I believe mother is one of those very carefully chosen words, one of those rich words—with meaning after meaning after meaning. We must not, at all costs, let that word divide us. I believe with all my heart that it is first and foremost a statement about our nature, not a head count of our children."

YES!!! She definitely captured what I was thinking and what I was trying to formulate in my mind a month ago, but she says it so much more eloquently!!!

So, today is Mother's Day. I first off have to say that I have the best mom, your grandma, that anyone could have: she is selfless, hardworking, loving, fun, compassionate. I hope to be half the mom that she is. I don't know how she does it! 

Through friends (or friends of friends) who can relate, I have seen MANY people who let this trial destroy their faith. Some let it overtake their life... which I can completely understand--- it's heartbreaking, it's lonely at times, it's unfair-seeming, it's a long road (which I've only started!), it's a righteous desire so why isn't it happening!? I understand the emotions behind it. Do I get sad? Do I cry sometimes at night thinking about not having you here? Do I long to hold you at night? Do I long for your crying fits, "blowouts", and temper tantrums?--- Well, maybe not that... ;) But, Yes, yes, yes, and yes. However, I will choose to NOT let it ruin my life. It's funny because your dad and I have this motto of "Don't let it ruin your life". We use it playfully (i.e. when I say I need to go to sleep because of work the next day... dad will say "don't let it ruin your life"... haha), but it really is true. I cannot, will not, let this ruin my life. However, I do understand that this day is hard for a lot of people.

So, with all that I've learned thus far about "Motherhood", this day is not only for those who have borne children but also for:
---those women who deeply yearn to be married and be a wife and eventually a mother
---those men and women who long to be parents but have not had the chance to do so
---parents who have fostered, adopted, or a combination of the two
---those parents who lost a child
---those women who have had one or multiple miscarriages
---ANY women who longs to be a mother...

Remember, being a mother might mean that you physically have children, but it also has SO MANY MORE meanings like Sister Holland stated above. Being motherly is an eternal characteristic that I hope to continue to develop... 

Once again, by the time you get here, hopefully I'll be that much more "motherly". :)

See you shortly, 
Mom