7-year Anniversary!!!

Dear Bundle of Joy,

Our anniversary is on March 12!!! Last weekend your dad was able to get 2 days off of work... in a row! We took advantage of this and decided that we would get away for one night in celebration of our 7-year (yeah, you read that right... 7 YEAR!!!) anniversary! It is crazy how fast time passes. I thought "older" people were weird for saying that time passes so quickly because in my world it seemed like time was so slow! (However, come weekend time in high school, this was awesome!) But now, Im getting a glimpse at what they meant. 

We were able to stay at a nice little resort in Tucson, AZ... not the most interesting city, but it's out of town, close, and has a great Mexican restaurant that we enjoy. It was a nice get-away filled with talking in the car, shopping, ice cream treat, great dinner, jacuzzi time, and much more. It was great. I love your dad, even if he is a little silly at times.

Homemade (at your table) salsa, Choriso cheese dip, steak and shrimp fajitas, & Lobster-stuffed salmon!

For some reason, we didn't take one together... this is our little courtyard for our room!

This anniversary, I was more able to cope with the fact that you aren't here yet. Usually, it had me emotional that so many years had passed and you still aren't here with us... but this time it had me reflecting on some things. 

Anniversaries are interesting. It is a way to mark a past event:

27 years since I was born,

10 years since your dad and I had our first kiss,

9 years since I graduated high school, 

7 years since were were married for time and all ETERNITY,

5 years (almost) since I graduated ASU, 

....5 years trying to have a baby.... to have you

Like I said before, anniversaries usually mark past events. But, in God's eyes there must be "anniversaries" to future events- a countdown of sorts. Instead of seeing it as 5 years of failing to have you, God knows that it is ___ years until we have you, forever. I need to keep my focus on His promises and keep the faith in His timing, despite the (current) outcomes.

A couple weeks ago in Sacrament meeting we sang the song, "Lord, I would Follow Thee" and a phrase in the second verse caught my eye... and eventually led to tears in my eyes (surprise, surprise):

"In the quiet heart is hidden, sorrow that the eye can't see"

I know that we all have trials, struggles, hard things in life. It doesn't matter if so-and-so seems like they have the "perfect" life... they don't. We all have things to work through, get over, or leave behind. That's what this life is about: becoming better by becoming to know the atonement, using it, and knowing the will of God and doing it. We all have things we are going through that others can't see. I know that this is mine. And, I would assume that there will be many more in my future that I will need the atonement for.

This past week I have been reflecting on the Savior since tomorrow is Easter. I am so grateful for the atonement in my life to help me use it in the capacity of comfort. I know that I am blessed with insights, faith, and comfort when I ask my Savior to help me through this trial. I know that I wouldn't be able to do it on my own. I know that "the Lord knows best". We love you.

Love,
Mom

"Barren" Women from the Old Testament

Dear Bundle of Joy,

In addition to reading the scriptures, I REALLY, REALLY enjoy perusing conference talks and other articles on the church's website. I came upon two articles (here and here) that were published in the Ensign that I really enjoyed twofold because 1) it was about faithful women from the old testament and how they reacted to their situations and 2) half of the women discussed had issues with bearing children so I felt like I could relate! I'll RECAP my favorite insights and parts from these articles:

Faith and Fortitude: Women of the Old Testament

Sarah: 

*Royal Lineage

*Wife of Abraham

*Mother of Isaac

*It would have been difficult to hear that God said that he was going to make your husband a "great nation" but you weren't conceiving. It was decades(!) before this promise was fulfilled. I'm sure she doubted at times if it were going to come to pass in this lifetime...

*She wasn't able to bear a child for YEARS; she was in her 90's

*LESSONS:

-There might be long "delays" before we receive our righteous desires

-All things are for our good and experience

-Faith in the Lord will help in being patient for God's timing

Rebekah:

*Daughter to Sarah

*Wife of Isaac- She was chosen to be his wife because she was at the watering hole and served the man that was there to find a wife for Jacob. 

*Mother of Esau and Jacob

*Virtuous, reverent, humble, modest, respect

*Waited YEARS to conceive

*She remained faithful in prayer, despite her trial

*Eventually she was blessed with two sons (Esau and Jacob), but her trials didn't end there... Her son, Esau, lost his birthright through choices he made.... which I'm sure comes with a lot of other trials or stress among family relationships that we don't hear about. She was able to guide Jacob to his birthright.

*LESSONS:

-If you are in the right place, at the right time, doing the right thing, then blessings come

-Women can be guides to those in their family: helping each other receive their "birthright"

Rachel (and Leah):

*Daughter to Rebekah

*Sister to Leah

*Wife to Jacob

*Jacob first wanted Rachel as a wife but he was tricked by working for 7 years (!), only to be given Leah to marry. Jacob worked another 7 years (!) and finally got Rachel. 

*Waited YEARS to conceive

*By both being married to Jacob and also giving their handmaids to Jacob, this is how the 12 Tribes of Israel were created!

*Rachel's trial: not conceiving

*Leah's trial: not having Jacobs full attention

*IF ONLY Rachel could've seen her posterity amidst her trial... I guess this is where faith comes in...

*LESSONS:

-Two sisters: two different trials: both painful to the individual: both possibly jealous of the other's situation. Don't want what others have. For all you know, they want what YOU have. Be grateful for the blessings you have in your life.

-Even if our reality is different that we expected or wanted, we will be blessed if we trust in the Lord and align our will to His.

-We will be blessed for obedience and faith

***** I never knew that all 3 of these women had issues conceiving! I knew Sarah did because it is a "common" story taught to young children and more principles and doctrine are added on later in youth and adult years. However, I can just imagine the pain and empathy Sarah had for her daughter, Rebekah, while she was also going through years of not conceiving. It was probably a huge blessing to Rebekah that there was someone there who personally knew what she was feeling and from what we read in scripture; it would seem that Abraham and Sarah were probably pillars of faith and examples to her throughout the journey until conceiving. I'm sure that Sarah gave advice and counsel that was beneficial to Rebekah. Rachel, Rebekah's daughter probably received the same strength, counsel, and hope from her mom and grandmother while she was suffering through her trial as well. Once again, it probably was a huge help in having these faithful women at her side to help her through her difficult time. *****

Shunammite Woman:

*Unnamed woman in scripture

*Married but childless

*She served the prophet in the capacity she was able

*She was content with her circumstances and humble (probably had great faith and accepted that she didn't have children yet)

*She didn't ask the prophet for her to be blessed to have children, but he promised her that she would conceive.

*Once conceiving, her child grew, but eventually died. The prophet, Elisha, restored her son to life!

*She listened to Elisha and left the land to avoid a famine

*LESSONS:

-Unselfish service brings great blessings

-When we faithfully follow the prophets counsel, we experience blessings

Hannah:

*She was barren

*This trial deeply affected her; she was full of great sorrow

*She was faithful and still went to the temple to try and give her pain to the Lord

*Mother to Samuel

*She put her trust in the Lord

*She bore 5 more children (so 6 total!)

*LESSONS:

-The Lord ALWAYS hears our prayers and answers them in the way and time which is best for us

-All things will work together for our good

-Great blessings come from faithfully waiting on the Lord

*****************************************************************************

What can we do right now while waiting for our righteous desires to be fulfilled by God?

-While "waiting" on the Lord's timing, spend more time being productive and improving yourself

-Keep strengthening your faith in the Lord

-Respond like Rebekah "I will go" when prompted by the Spirit

-Seek for revelation: act on it when it comes

-Put your full trust in the Lord

-What relationships can you develop further to increase love in your family?

-How has service blessed me?

-How quickly am I to obey the prophets' counsel?

-Do I have unfailing faith and trust that the Lord will hear and answer my prayers?

-Do I have the faith to wait humbly during my trials?

*****************************************************************************

These women would have been considered "barren" before conceiving their children. I put "barren" in quotes in the title of this blog, because I believe that although they weren't able to become pregnant, they weren't "empty", "without achievements", or "unproductive" as other definitions of this word would suggest. They were definitely Full of Faith and Fortitude as the title of both articles suggest. They were full of courage, prayer, meekness, humbleness, determination, sacrifice, hope, joy, long-suffering, charity, gratitude, obedience, etc. Because they trusted in the Lord and had faith in his timing, they were given great blessings, I'm sure more than they even ever expected. Blessings come AFTER the trial of your Faith, after all... I want to be like these great women in the scriptures. I am so grateful that these stories were included in the words we have today. I hope that I can have the faith to overcome this trial, and all others that will come later in life, in such a way that others can draw strength from... like these women's examples have helped me.

I hope you enjoyed these nuggets of truth and principle, as I did. These lessons learned can be applied to ANY trial you are going through. Have faith in the Lord and know that he knows best. Your dad always says, "The Lord knows best!"... it is probably his favorite response to things that don't go "our way". I know he is right. The Lord does know best.

Love you, 

Mom

Arriving in Holland

Dear Bundle of Joy,

The following story was written by Emily Perl Kingsley describing the perspective of having a child with Autism... HOWEVER- I feel like it could be likened to ANYONE, since we all have struggles, disappointments, and hardships of all kinds in our life--- things that don't go the way we planned.

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability — to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It’s like this…

When you’re going to have a baby, it’s like planning a fabulous vacation trip to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans… the Coliseum, the Sistine Chapel, Gondolas. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It’s all very exciting. After several months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. 

You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, “Welcome to Holland!” “Holland?” you say. “What do you mean, Holland? I signed up for Italy. I’m supposed to be in Italy. All my life I’ve dreamed of going to Italy.” But there’s been a change in the flight plan. They’ve landed in Holland and there you must stay. The important thing is that they haven’t taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place full of pestilence, famine, and disease. It’s just a different place. 

So, you must go out and buy new guidebooks. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met. It’s just a different place. It’s slower paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you’ve been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around. You begin to notice that Holland has windmills. Holland has tulips. And Holland even has Rembrandts. But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy, and they’re all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life you will say, ” Yes, that’s where I was supposed to go. That’s what I had planned.” 

And the pain of that experience will never, ever, ever, go away. The loss of that dream is a very significant loss. But if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn’t get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things about Holland.

It's funny; isn't it? Life. Experiences. Trials. Joy. Struggles. Happiness. Life. I don't think that trials are on a scale. If it is hard for you, then IT.IS.HARD. No need for comparatives or clarifiers. You don't need anyone "one upping" their trials to yours. You don't need anyone telling you "So-and-So had all your struggles and __________ and they got through it". We can't compare our struggles to others... or worse: our struggles to others blessings. That's a lose-lose situation. You will never win in that scenario. I think that this story can relate to any of us. Our plans don't always go the way we want... or if they do, sometimes it's not in the timing we want.

Even with these disruptions to our "plan", we need to keep going forward. Like the author said, we need to enjoy where we are at. We need to enjoy the lessons and sights we see on our new adventure. We need to look for the good, wherever that may be. We all will find ourself somewhere where we hadn't "planned". It will happen; or, the trial' hardship will pass. But why miss the blessings and lessons that we could have learned because we were so upset that we "weren't where we were suppose to be"......

Love you always,
Mom

Update & IUI #1 (January 2016)

Dear Bundle of Joy,

So, I finally switched over to my new fertility doctor last fall 2015... it was the BEST decision I think we have made regarding this. He is amazing and his prices and service are exceptional. 

September/ October 2015, we had our initial consult. Dr. Amols seemed very optimistic that we could get pregnant with an IUI. This was hopeful since our last doctor seemed to be pushing for IVF (but it was out of our price range @ about $20,000 each!). My IUI's are covered by insurance, which is nice, but I still have to pay for the medications (which are expensive!). Even still, I'll count my blessings and I'll take it! That's about $1,200 we don't have to pay for each IUI we do. We plan to do up to 4, but hope it doesn't take that long. If all 4 don't work, then our plan is to do a round of IVF. 

We were planning on doing an IUI in Novmber 2015 (the next month), but found that I had a cyst on my left side. We couldn't move forward with the medications (which would possibly enlarge the cyst, causing other permanent consequences). So we waited another 3 weeks to check if it had gone away. 

At the beginning of December 2015, I went back and the cyst hadn't gone away, but it had gotten way smaller. This wasn't the best, but it was good. Since it was changing sizes, we had to wait yet another 2 weeks to check it again to make sure it went away.

At the end of December 2015, I had another visit and it was gone! Yippee! We could schedule my medications and move forward with the IUI the next month! The next day I went to Scottsdale to pick up my medications. I had to rush home and put the injection in my fridge and hope that your Ba-ba and Ji-ji didn't see it in the cheese drawer since they were visiting us at this time. We want to surprise them as much as we can, even though they know we're doing these procedures. Maybe they saw it wrapped up and just didn't say anything, but hopefully they didn't!

The first week of January I took a medication to stimulate my soon-to-be eggs (Femara). 

The second week of January I went into Dr. Amols' office to check on my follicles. There were 2-3 of pretty good size, but he wanted them a little bigger. Because of this, I had to give myself a FSH SHOT! It was the first shot I had to mix and shoot into my stomach and I did it all by myself! To be honest, it was scary... I hate needles... and I had to give this one to myself. They said I could have my husband do it for me, but I think that that would be more scary/ painful since I wouldn't be in control of the pressure and what not. It wasn't as bad as I thought... until it got to the end... then it started to sting. It was almost done so I just pushed through it. Then while I was rubbing it with the cotton ball, it was stinging but it finally went away. Just a little pain for [hopefully] a huge blessing! After the shot, I went into the office the next day and he said they grew right to where he wanted. My lining wasn't where he wanted it to be, but he said that might be because the eggs just weren't ready yet. For this reason, he said I'd wait a day to give myself the trigger shot. (dun dun dunnnnn!- another shot! ah!)

The 16th of January (Saturday) was the day of the Trigger shot! I had to take it at 8:30pm so as you can imagine, I was nervous about it all day. People had told me that it sometimes burns and also make your ovaries feel like they're on fire for like a day or two. I wish people wouldn't say things like that sometimes. I tried not to worry about it, but did I mention how much I hate shots?! The time came and I grabbed my stomach and started to push it in. Immediately it was stinging so bad and a little blood came out, so I pulled it out and cleaned the area... I could tell it didn't feel right. I tried again and it wasn't so bad the second time around. It felt a lot of pressure towards the end, but that's normal I would think. I pushed it with a cotton ball and massaged it a little. It was stinging, but once again [hopefully] worth it.

Now onto the TWW... (two week wait)... I am supposed to take a pregnancy test on January 31, 2015.

Here's to good luck, first time around!!! (I mean, it has to work... I got a fortune cookie from Pei Wei the day before my trigger shot and it stated, and I quote, "You will embark on a new venture and will succeed". ;) )

21st and 22nd of January (Thursday/ Friday) were the two days that I had slight cramping in the early-late evenings. They would last about 10 seconds at a time, only about 5 times per hour. However, I don't want to read too much into it.

27th of January (Wednesday).... I'm only 4 days away from testing. I don't know if my brain is trying to protect my heart, but it feels like it hasn't happened. I'm trying to stay hopeful, but not too hopeful. I do feel WAY more tired than usual, but I think that is attributed to the progesterone suppositories that I have to take each night... that is one of the side affects. Who knows... once again, I won't read too much into the "symptoms". However, I have this underlying feeling that it hasn't worked this time. Only time will tell I guess...

30th of January (Saturday)... I woke up to spotting. Implantation bleeding wouldn't be this late. Why even take the HPT tomorrow... :( Scout could tell that I wasn't feeling very happy today. She cuddled with me... voluntarily... during the day! This sweet moment really comforted me, especially since Dad was at work. I just love the Scouter Girl; shes very intuitive. <3 <3 <3

January 31, 2016 (Sunday)... the day has arrived.
As I woke up this morning, I was very nervous for some reason. I wanted to take a test as soon as I woke up since that provides the most accurate results this early on, or so I've read. I don't know why I was so nervous... I was spotting yesterday so I know, deep down, that it will be negative. I guess it's just the shock of reality if I actually see only "one line", or the words "not pregnant", or a "sad face". The hope will be killed this cycle if I actually saw it on a pregnancy test. Just as I suspected... it was negative.

Your dad was obviously comforting, hopeful, and reassuring. He knows it'll happen when the timing is right. Deep down, I know that is true too. It's hard to want righteous things and have them postponed for what ever reason.

UNTIL NEXT MONTH.....

Love,
Your soon-to-be parents

Do I have the faith NOT to be healed?

Dear Bundle of Joy,

On Sundays, your dad and I love to watch videos: Mormon Messages, General Conference talks, Bible Videos, etc. A couple months ago we were watching a talk given at a CES Devotional in March 2013 by Elder Bednar titled, That We Might "Not... Shrink". It has stuck with me and while I do not have anything close to the struggle that relates to a terminal illness (like he tells in his talk), it definitely applies to the doctrine of faith.

Some think that Faith is JUST something you need to have before miracles happen... and I agree that this is true. However, in this devotional Elder Bednar poses another question, one that I hadn't thought about before:

He asks if we have the faith to NOT be healed. 

Do I have the faith to accept God's will and/or timing and NOT get what I want/ desire/ etc? Some people might lose faith after a trial or [in their minds] an unanswered prayer. However, this devotional puts into perspective that it takes a great amount of faith to remain faithful, even when we do all that we can do and our prayers still remain unanswered in the way we want them to be. In the end, Faith is not only something we need for miracles to happen, but it is also something we need to have to realize that everything is in God's timing, ways, and reasons; and, everything will be for our good in the end.

Below is the excerpt from which Elder Bednar talks about this thought-provoking question, along with bolded phrases that hit me the hardest:

'Not My Will but Thine Be Done'

John is a worthy priesthood holder and served faithfully as a full-time missionary. After returning home from his mission, he dated and married a righteous and wonderful young woman, Heather. John was 23 and Heather was 20 on the day they were sealed together for time and for all eternity in the house of the Lord. Please keep in mind the respective ages of John and Heather as this story unfolds.

Approximately three weeks after their temple marriage, John was diagnosed with bone cancer. As cancer nodules also were discovered in his lungs, the prognosis was not good.

John recorded in his journal: “This was the scariest day of my life. Not only because I was told I had cancer, but also because I was newly married and somehow felt that I had failed as a husband. I was the provider and protector of our new family, and now—three weeks into that role—I felt like I had failed. I know that thought is absurd, but it is one of the crazy things I told myself in a moment of crisis.”

Heather noted: “This was devastating news, and I remember how greatly it changed our perspectives. I was in a hospital waiting room writing wedding thank-you notes as we anticipated the results of [John’s] tests. But after learning about [John’s] cancer, crock-pots and cookware did not seem so important anymore. This was the worst day of my life, but I remember going to bed that night with gratitude for our temple sealing. Though the doctors had given [John] only a 30 percent chance of survival, I knew that if we remained faithful I had a 100 percent chance to be with him forever.”

Approximately one month later John began chemotherapy. He described his experience: “The treatments caused me to be sicker than I had ever been in my life. I lost my hair, dropped 41 pounds, and my body felt like it was falling apart. The chemotherapy also affected me emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. Life was a rollercoaster during the months of chemo with highs, lows, and everything in between. But through it all, [Heather] and I maintained the faith that God would heal me. We just knew it.”

Heather chronicled her thoughts and feelings: “I could not stand to let [John] spend the night alone in the hospital, so I would sleep every night on the small couch in his room. We had lots of friends and family visit during the day, but the nights were the hardest. I would stare at the ceiling and wonder what Heavenly Father had planned for us. Sometimes my mind would wander into dark places, and my fear of losing [John] would almost overtake me. But I knew these thoughts were not from Heavenly Father. My prayers for comfort became more frequent, and the Lord gave me the strength to keep going.”

Three months later John underwent a surgical procedure to remove a large tumor in his leg. John stated: “The surgery was a huge deal for us because pathology tests were to be run on the tumor to see how much of it was viable and how much of the cancer was dead. This analysis would give us the first indication of the effectiveness of the chemotherapy and of how aggressive we would need to be with future treatments.”

Two days following the operation, I visited John and Heather in the hospital. We talked about the first time I met John in the mission field, about their marriage, about the cancer, and about the eternally important lessons we learn through the trials of mortality. As we concluded our time together, John asked if I would give him a priesthood blessing. I responded that I gladly would give such a blessing, but I first needed to ask some questions.

I then posed questions I had not planned to ask and had never previously considered: “[John,] do you have the faith not to be healed? If it is the will of our Heavenly Father that you are transferred by death in your youth to the spirit world to continue your ministry, do you have the faith to submit to His will and not be healed?”

I frankly was surprised by the questions I felt prompted to ask this particular couple. Frequently in the scriptures, the Savior or His servants exercised the spiritual gift of healing (see 1 Corinthians 12:9;D&C 35:9; 46:20) and perceived that an individual had the faith to be healed (see Acts 14:9; 3 Nephi 17:8; D&C 46:19). But as John and Heather and I counseled together and wrestled with these questions, we increasingly understood that if God’s will were for this good young man to be healed, then that blessing could only be received if this valiant couple first had the faith not to be healed. In other words, John and Heather needed to overcome, through the Atonement of the Lord Jesus Christ, the “natural man” (Mosiah 3:19) tendency in all of us to demand impatiently and insist incessantly on the blessings we want and believe we deserve.

We recognized a principle that applies to every devoted disciple: strong faith in the Savior is submissively accepting of His will and timing in our lives—even if the outcome is not what we hoped for or wanted. Certainly, John and Heather would desire, yearn, and plead for healing with all of their might, mind, and strength. But more importantly, they would be “willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon [them], even as a child doth submit to his father” (Mosiah 3:19). Indeed, they would be willing to “offer [their] whole souls as an offering unto him” (Omni 1:26) and humbly pray, “Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done” (Luke 22:42).

What initially seemed to John, Heather, and me to be perplexing questions became part of a pervasive pattern of gospel paradoxes. Consider the admonition of the Savior: “He that findeth his life shall lose it: and he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it” (Matthew 10:39). He also declared, “But many that are first shall be last; and the last shall be first” (Matthew 19:30). And the Lord counseled His latter-day disciples, “By thy word many high ones shall be brought low, and by thy word many low ones shall be exalted” (D&C 112:8). Thus, having the faith to not be healed seemed to fit appropriately into a powerful pattern of penetrating paradoxes that require us to ask, to seek, and to knock that we might receive knowledge and understanding (see 3 Nephi 14:7).

After taking the necessary time to ponder my inquiries and to talk with his wife, John said to me: “Elder Bednar, I do not want to die. I do not want to leave [Heather]. But if the will of the Lord is to transfer me to the spirit world, then I guess I am good with that.” My heart swelled with appreciation and admiration as I witnessed this young couple confront the most demanding of all spiritual struggles—the submissive surrender of their wills to God’s will. My faith was strengthened as I witnessed this couple allowing their strong and understandable desires for healing to be “swallowed up in the will of the Father” (Mosiah 15:7).

John described his reaction to our conversation and the blessing he received: “Elder Bednar shared with us the thought from Elder Maxwell that it is better to not shrink than to survive. Elder Bednar then asked us, ‘I know you have the faith to be healed, but do you have the faith not to be healed?’ This was a foreign concept to me. Essentially he was asking if I had the faith to accept God’s will if His will were that I not be healed? If the time were approaching for me to enter the spirit world through death, was I prepared to submit and accept?”

John continued: “Having the faith not to be healed seemed counterintuitive; but that perspective changed the way my wife and I thought and allowed us to put our trust fully in the Father’s plan for us. We learned we needed to gain the faith that the Lord is in charge whatever the outcome may be, and He will guide us from where we are to where we need to be. As we prayed, our petitions changed from ‘Please make me whole’ to ‘Please give me the faith to accept whatever outcome Thou hast planned for me.’

“I was sure that since Elder Bednar was an Apostle, he would bless the elements of my body to realign, and I would jump out of the bed and start to dance or do something dramatic like that! But as he blessed me that day, I was amazed that the words he spoke were almost identical to those of my father, my father-in-law, and my mission president. I realized that ultimately it does not matter whose hands are on my head. God’s power does not change, and His will is made known to us individually and through His authorized servants.”

Heather wrote: “This day was filled with mixed emotions for me. I was convinced that Elder Bednar would place his hands on [John’s] head and completely heal him of the cancer. I knew that through the power of the priesthood he could be healed, and I wanted so bad for that to happen. After he taught us about the faith to not be healed, I was terrified. Up to that point, I had never had to come to grips with the fact that the Lord’s plan might include losing my new husband. My faith was dependent upon the outcomes I wanted. In a manner of speaking, it was one-dimensional. Though terrifying at first, the thought of having the faith not to be healed ultimately freed me from worry. It allowed me to have complete trust that my Heavenly Father knew me better than I knew myself, and He would do what was best for me and John.”

A blessing was given, and weeks, months, and years passed by. John’s cancer miraculously went into remission. He was able to complete his university studies and obtained gainful employment. John and Heather continued to strengthen their relationship and enjoy life together.

Some time later I subsequently received a letter from John and Heather informing me that the cancer had returned. Chemotherapy was resumed and surgery scheduled. John explained: “Not only did this news come as a disappointment to [Heather] and me, but we were puzzled by it. Was there something we did not learn the first time? Did the Lord expect something more from us? Growing up as Latter-day Saints, it was common to go to church and hear the phrase, ‘every trial God gives us is for our benefit.’ Well, to be honest, I could not see how this was benefitting me!

“So I began to pray for clarity and for the Lord to help me understand why this recurrence of the cancer was happening. One day as I was reading in the New Testament I received my answer. I read the account of Christ and His Apostles on the sea when a tempest arose. Fearing the boat would capsize, the disciples went to the Savior and asked, ‘Master, carest thou not that we perish?’ This is exactly how I felt! Carest thou not that I have cancer? Carest thou not that we want to start a family? But as I read on in the story, I found my answer. The Lord looked at them and said, ‘O ye of little faith,’ and He stretched forth His hand and calmed the waters.

“In that moment I had to ask myself, ‘Do I really believe this?’ Do I really believe He calmed the waters that day? Or is it just a nice story to read about?’ The answer is: I do believe, and because I know He calmed the waters, I instantly knew He could heal me. Up until this point, I had a hard time reconciling the need for my faith in Christ with the inevitability of His will. I saw them as two separate things, and sometimes I felt that one contradicted the other. ‘Why should I have faith if His will ultimately is what will prevail,’ I asked? After this experience, I knew that having faith—at least in my circumstance—was not necessarily knowing that He would heal me, but that He could heal me. I had to believe that He could, and then whether it happened was up to Him.

“As I allowed those two ideas to coexist in my life, focused faith in Jesus Christ and complete submission to His will, I found greater comfort and peace. It has been so remarkable to see the Lord’s hand in our lives. Things have fallen into place, miracles have happened, and we continually are humbled to see God’s plan for us unfold.”

I repeat for emphasis John’s statement: “As I allowed those two ideas to coexist in my life, focused faith in Jesus Christ and complete submission to His will, I found greater comfort and peace.”

Righteousness and faith certainly are instrumental in moving mountains—if moving mountains accomplishes God’s purposes and is in accordance with His will. Righteousness and faith certainly are instrumental in healing the sick, deaf, or lame—if such healing accomplishes God’s purposes and is in accordance with His will. Thus, even with strong faith, many mountains will not be moved. And not all of the sick and infirm will be healed. If all opposition were curtailed, if all maladies were removed, then the primary purposes of the Father’s plan would be frustrated.

Many of the lessons we are to learn in mortality can only be received through the things we experience and sometimes suffer. And God expects and trusts us to face temporary mortal adversity with His help so we can learn what we need to learn and ultimately become what we are to become in eternity.

I know that faith is not something we obtain ONLY to be blessed. While the former is true, additionally it is also something we obtain and cultivate to help us keep hope when things don't go our way or in our timing we thought was "right". If this were the case, faith would be, like she stated, dependent on the outcome: we know this isn't true faith. 

Like Elder Bednar says, I know that this trial of waiting and heartache is beneficial to me. It definitely has helped me to grow my faith and try to understand God's will for me. Although it really sucks (to be completely honest) to postpone you being here with us, I truly am grateful for this trial. It has propelled me spiritually in a way that I do not think could have been brough to pass by any other means at this time in my life. 

I love how she says that her husband was only given a 30% chance at surviving, but if she remained faithful that she would have 100% chance of being with him forever. Whether you come to us in the near future, later on, or not in this life, I know that I have a 100% chance of having children if I remain faithful to God. 

Love, 

Mom