It still HURTS

Dear Bundle of Joy,

In the last few months it seems as if every couple weeks we hear of someone announcing that they are pregnant. Or, they are announcing what the gender of their baby is.

I truly am happy for my friends or family but every time an announcement takes place, I feel insincere for congratulating them and pasting on a fake smile when deep inside I wish I could crawl away. I feel like bursting with tears but I just have to keep telling myself "breathe, breathe, smile, breathe". If I don't focus on breathing, I would hold it in and eventually a river of tears would definitely fall.

Since the topic is brought up (usually in a big group), I feel as if everyone is thinking "Why isn't Brittany having kids yet?" or "Poor Brittany; she isn't pregnant yet". Sometimes, people even ask me when we're wanting to have kids or (if they know my situation) they ask how my procedures are going. I don't mind people asking if they are close friends or family or if I bring it up, but I do not like it when I'm put on the spot by people I'm not super close with.

If they announce it on social media, I congratulate them. But most times it is followed by tears behind every word I type, covered by the security of my computer screen.

It has nothing to do with my friends or family. I love my friends and family. I am not jealous of them. In the past, I would be lying if I said I wasn't jealous. However, within the last couple of years, I feel I have moved past that and now it is more focused on me than them. Whenever I hear of a pregnancy announcement, I feel broken up. I am reminded that my body isn't doing what it was made to do. I feel like it should have been "my turn", as if there is such a thing in how the Lord's timing works. 

I mostly feel left out. Left out of my own dreams and life goals. I dreamed of having kids fairly young and as I reach that age of when I wanted to have my last kid, I will be happy if I have my first kid. I guess my timeframe is just getting adjusted 5+ years...

All these feelings come out at once. The stress of this journey doesn't really show, but it surfaces in short bursts. I guess one of those bursts is now. I'm lucky they only last a short while. I give myself a day to have my "pity party" then I feel it is of no use dragging it out. I'll be fine tomorrow. (It doesn't help that I've been sticking myself with needles this past week and am on a hormone high)

...I can't wait for you to be here. I know I just started this journey, compared to others, but I don't know how many more needles I can take, how many more negative tests I can see, and how many more cycles I can have come and go...

On the other hand, I can't wait until people congratulate me and are excited for me when I am on the "giving" end of this fantastic announcement. I know it will happen; I just don't know when.

Love,
Mom