It still HURTS

Dear Bundle of Joy,

In the last few months it seems as if every couple weeks we hear of someone announcing that they are pregnant. Or, they are announcing what the gender of their baby is.

I truly am happy for my friends or family but every time an announcement takes place, I feel insincere for congratulating them and pasting on a fake smile when deep inside I wish I could crawl away. I feel like bursting with tears but I just have to keep telling myself "breathe, breathe, smile, breathe". If I don't focus on breathing, I would hold it in and eventually a river of tears would definitely fall.

Since the topic is brought up (usually in a big group), I feel as if everyone is thinking "Why isn't Brittany having kids yet?" or "Poor Brittany; she isn't pregnant yet". Sometimes, people even ask me when we're wanting to have kids or (if they know my situation) they ask how my procedures are going. I don't mind people asking if they are close friends or family or if I bring it up, but I do not like it when I'm put on the spot by people I'm not super close with.

If they announce it on social media, I congratulate them. But most times it is followed by tears behind every word I type, covered by the security of my computer screen.

It has nothing to do with my friends or family. I love my friends and family. I am not jealous of them. In the past, I would be lying if I said I wasn't jealous. However, within the last couple of years, I feel I have moved past that and now it is more focused on me than them. Whenever I hear of a pregnancy announcement, I feel broken up. I am reminded that my body isn't doing what it was made to do. I feel like it should have been "my turn", as if there is such a thing in how the Lord's timing works. 

I mostly feel left out. Left out of my own dreams and life goals. I dreamed of having kids fairly young and as I reach that age of when I wanted to have my last kid, I will be happy if I have my first kid. I guess my timeframe is just getting adjusted 5+ years...

All these feelings come out at once. The stress of this journey doesn't really show, but it surfaces in short bursts. I guess one of those bursts is now. I'm lucky they only last a short while. I give myself a day to have my "pity party" then I feel it is of no use dragging it out. I'll be fine tomorrow. (It doesn't help that I've been sticking myself with needles this past week and am on a hormone high)

...I can't wait for you to be here. I know I just started this journey, compared to others, but I don't know how many more needles I can take, how many more negative tests I can see, and how many more cycles I can have come and go...

On the other hand, I can't wait until people congratulate me and are excited for me when I am on the "giving" end of this fantastic announcement. I know it will happen; I just don't know when.

Love,
Mom

Our Sunday will Come- Happy Easter!

Dear Bundle of Joy,

Today is Easter Sunday. It has been wonderful to celebrate the life of our Savior, His example, His atonement, and the eternal love he has for all of us! This last week was a special one, since it was the week before the Savior was resurrected. I tried to remember and read about what happened this last week, many years ago:

The week previous to His resurrection is the week that He:

-instituted the Sacrament

-suffered in Gethsemane

-performed the atonement on the cross

-let himself be crucified

-was resurrected!

Christ instituting the Sacrament

Christ in Gethsemane

He is not here, for He is risen!

With this knowledge that Christ lives again after dying, stems His gospel. If we didn't live again after we die or we weren't resurrected, we wouldn't really need to have faith, do temple work, or worry about if our choices are in line with God's will. With the knowledge that Christ had died but now lives again, we realize that this time on Earth is just a part of our existence. We learn that scriptures have been fulfilled, there is a plan after this life, and we must utilize the atonement in order to live with God again. The story of Christ's life is amazing, but the short time spent right before he was crucified is truly spiritual. The scriptures below illustrate these special moments and insights.

Matthew 21:12- Jesus entered the temple. He turned over the moneychangers' tables. He healed the blind and lame that entered the temple.
Jesus knew he would have to be crucified soon. He used his time to visit the temple, the house of God. When we are preparing for important events in our life, we too should attend the temple to draw upon the strength of God. Jesus also spent his last part of his life serving others. He could have spent these last moments primarily alone, with family, or friends. But he made time to heal those around him. We should always take time to serve others. Even if we are "too busy", have trials or hardship in our own life, or are  moving out of the ward next month. We should always be looking for ways to serve, no matter our circumstances.

Matthew 26:36- Christ went to go pray for the 1st time.

Matthew 26:39- Christ asked God, "O my Father, if it be possible let this cup pass from me: nevertheless not as I will, but thou wilt".
Christ asked God if there was any other way than the one previously agreed upon. I love how this shows that He too was feeling uneasy (if that's the right word) or just looking to make sure that this was the only way to bring God's children back to Him. This is a great example to me of submitting to God's will, even if it is hard. 

Matthew 26:42- Christ went away a 2nd time to pray. He asked again, "O my Father, if this cup may not pass away from me, except I drink it, thy will be done".
Christ checked up on his disciples (who were sleeping) and again returned to pray. He tells God that he will do what needs to be done. 

Matthew 26:44- Christ went away a 3rd time to pray. He repeated his pleadings again unto God.
Christ checked up on his disciples again (who were still sleeping) and again returned to pray. Sometimes we need to pray about hard things multiple times before we are given ALL the strength to endure through it. I cannot imagine how Christ was feeling knowing that after they left this place that he would be taken and arrested. 

Matthew 26:53-54- Christ knows that His Father could send help, but also knows that this must be done for mankind.
After Christ is arrested, one follower drew a sword and cut off the ear of a guard. Christ tells them not to bear their swords or else they would be killed by them. This is when he says what is written in this verse. He knows that he could be saved, but he knows that he needs to submit to them in order to fulfill the plan that God has set forth. It must have been so painful knowing that you could be saved from upcoming pain but not asking for it. 

Matthew 27:46- Christ asks "My God, my God, why has thou forsaken me?" while on the cross.
I had always thought that if it were anyone on the cross, they would be asking the same thing. So, it never really seemed out of place for one to say this. However, I am reminded that Christ had NEVER BEEN WITHOUT THE SPIRIT of God. He lived a PERFECT life. His choices always warranted the SPIRIT to be with him. Even in Gethsemane, the Holy Ghost was with him to help him with the atonement...preparatory to him doing it on his own later. At that moment on the cross, He performed the atonement ON HIS OWN. The Spirit was no longer with him. He needed to do it on his own. This was the first time that he was all alone. I can't imagine what emptiness he must have felt. I also know that he knows how we feel when the Spirit withdraws from us when we make less than worthy choices. He knows.



In a talk given by Joseph B. Wirthlin, titled "Sunday Will Come", he speaks of loved ones dying and the fact that Christ opened the door to resurrection and that we will be able to see all our loved ones again. In this message he shares an important truth, using the death and resurrection of Christ as a symbol. Elder Wirthlin states many wonderful insights regarding this event:

I think of how dark that Friday was when Christ was lifted up on the cross. On that terrible Friday the earth shook and grew dark. Frightful storms lashed at the earth.

On that Friday the Savior of mankind was humiliated and bruised, abused and reviled.

It was a Friday filled with devastating, consuming sorrow that gnawed at the souls of those who loved and honored the Son of God.

I think that of all the days since the beginning of this world’s history, that Friday was the darkest.

But the doom of that day did not endure.

The despair did not linger because on Sunday, the resurrected Lord burst the bonds of death. He ascended from the grave and appeared gloriously triumphant as the Savior of all mankind.

And in an instant the eyes that had been filled with ever-flowing tears dried. The lips that had whispered prayers of distress and grief now filled the air with wondrous praise, for Jesus the Christ, the Son of the living God, stood before them as the firstfruits of the Resurrection, the proof that death is merely the beginning of a new and wondrous existence.

Each of us will have our own Fridays—those days when the universe itself seems shattered and the shards of our world lie littered about us in pieces. We all will experience those broken times when it seems we can never be put together again. We will all have our Fridays.

But I testify to you in the name of the One who conquered death—Sunday will come. In the darkness of our sorrow, Sunday will come.

No matter our desperation, no matter our grief, Sunday will come. In this life or the next, Sunday will come.

This principle that "Sunday will come" that was illustrated from Christ's crucifixion, death, and resurrection beautifully illustrates that "this too shall pass". These phrases of hope are not empty BECAUSE HE LIVES.

Whatever we are going through, or will go through, Christ can help us. He can heal us. He is there for us. He knows how to help us even before we realize we need help. He is waiting for us to ask upon him. The enabling power of the atonement is one that I have come to learn a little more about. The strength it gives me in this trial of trying to have you is something I couldn't do on my own. I know it is for my learning and growth. He can and will help me through it... if I ask.

I am so grateful for my Savior, Jesus Christ. I do not know how to eloquently express my feelings on this subject, but do know He lives. He loves us. He wants us to draw on Him and His atonement so that we can become pure and live with Him and our Heavenly parents again. He is risen and because of Him, we will be too.

Love, 

Mom

Infertility Acronyms

Dear Bundle of Joy,

I feel like the acronyms that come with infertility are a language on their own! Just visit any infertility facebook page, online forum, or reproductive endocrinologist's office and you'll hear what you believe is jargon! Here are some common ones below (common to this population anyway haha):

2WW
AF
AH
AI
ART
BA
BBT
BCP
BD
Beta
BFN
BFP
B/W
CD
CM
DE
DH
DPO
DPR
DPT
DW
Dx
ENDO
ER
ET
Frostie
FSH
HCG
HPT
HSG
IUI
IVF
MS
MF
O
OPT
Prog
PCOS
PG
PI
POAS
RE
RX
SA
S/B
SI
TTC

*******Here is what they  mean*********

2WW- Two week wait
AF- aunt flo (cycle)
AH- Assisted Hatching
AI- Artificial Insemination
ART- Assisted Reproductive Technology
BA- Baby aspirin
BBT- Basal Body Temperature
BCP- Birth control Pill
BD- Baby dance
Beta- HCG pregnancy test
BFN- Big fat negative
BFP- Big fat positive
B/W- Blood work
CD- Cycle day
CM- Cervical mucus
DE- Donor Eggs
DH- Dear husband
DPO- Days past ovulation
DPR- Days past retrieval
DPT- Days past transfer
DW- Dear wife
Dx- Diagnosis
ENDO- Endometriosis
ER- Egg retrieval
ET- Egg transfer
Frostie- frozen embryo
FSH- Follicle stimulating hormone
HCG- Human Chorionic Gonadotropin (I had to look this one up since I only say HCG haha)
HPT- Home pregnancy test
HSG- Hysterosalipinogram
IUI- Intra-uterine insemination
IVF- In Vitro Fertilization
MS- Miscarriage
MF- Male factor
O- Ovulation
OPT- Ovulation predictor test
Prog- Progesterone
PCOS- Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome
PG- Pregnant
PI- Primary infertility
POAS- Pee on a stick
RE- Reproductive Endocrinologist
RX- Prescription
SA- Seman analysis
S/B- Still birth
SI- Secondary infertility
TTC- Trying to conceive


It's a crazy world that I'm learning to navigate, but it is all for good reasons. :)

-Mom

7-year Anniversary!!!

Dear Bundle of Joy,

Our anniversary is on March 12!!! Last weekend your dad was able to get 2 days off of work... in a row! We took advantage of this and decided that we would get away for one night in celebration of our 7-year (yeah, you read that right... 7 YEAR!!!) anniversary! It is crazy how fast time passes. I thought "older" people were weird for saying that time passes so quickly because in my world it seemed like time was so slow! (However, come weekend time in high school, this was awesome!) But now, Im getting a glimpse at what they meant. 

We were able to stay at a nice little resort in Tucson, AZ... not the most interesting city, but it's out of town, close, and has a great Mexican restaurant that we enjoy. It was a nice get-away filled with talking in the car, shopping, ice cream treat, great dinner, jacuzzi time, and much more. It was great. I love your dad, even if he is a little silly at times.

Homemade (at your table) salsa, Choriso cheese dip, steak and shrimp fajitas, & Lobster-stuffed salmon!

For some reason, we didn't take one together... this is our little courtyard for our room!

This anniversary, I was more able to cope with the fact that you aren't here yet. Usually, it had me emotional that so many years had passed and you still aren't here with us... but this time it had me reflecting on some things. 

Anniversaries are interesting. It is a way to mark a past event:

27 years since I was born,

10 years since your dad and I had our first kiss,

9 years since I graduated high school, 

7 years since were were married for time and all ETERNITY,

5 years (almost) since I graduated ASU, 

....5 years trying to have a baby.... to have you

Like I said before, anniversaries usually mark past events. But, in God's eyes there must be "anniversaries" to future events- a countdown of sorts. Instead of seeing it as 5 years of failing to have you, God knows that it is ___ years until we have you, forever. I need to keep my focus on His promises and keep the faith in His timing, despite the (current) outcomes.

A couple weeks ago in Sacrament meeting we sang the song, "Lord, I would Follow Thee" and a phrase in the second verse caught my eye... and eventually led to tears in my eyes (surprise, surprise):

"In the quiet heart is hidden, sorrow that the eye can't see"

I know that we all have trials, struggles, hard things in life. It doesn't matter if so-and-so seems like they have the "perfect" life... they don't. We all have things to work through, get over, or leave behind. That's what this life is about: becoming better by becoming to know the atonement, using it, and knowing the will of God and doing it. We all have things we are going through that others can't see. I know that this is mine. And, I would assume that there will be many more in my future that I will need the atonement for.

This past week I have been reflecting on the Savior since tomorrow is Easter. I am so grateful for the atonement in my life to help me use it in the capacity of comfort. I know that I am blessed with insights, faith, and comfort when I ask my Savior to help me through this trial. I know that I wouldn't be able to do it on my own. I know that "the Lord knows best". We love you.

Love,
Mom

"Barren" Women from the Old Testament

Dear Bundle of Joy,

In addition to reading the scriptures, I REALLY, REALLY enjoy perusing conference talks and other articles on the church's website. I came upon two articles (here and here) that were published in the Ensign that I really enjoyed twofold because 1) it was about faithful women from the old testament and how they reacted to their situations and 2) half of the women discussed had issues with bearing children so I felt like I could relate! I'll RECAP my favorite insights and parts from these articles:

Faith and Fortitude: Women of the Old Testament

Sarah: 

*Royal Lineage

*Wife of Abraham

*Mother of Isaac

*It would have been difficult to hear that God said that he was going to make your husband a "great nation" but you weren't conceiving. It was decades(!) before this promise was fulfilled. I'm sure she doubted at times if it were going to come to pass in this lifetime...

*She wasn't able to bear a child for YEARS; she was in her 90's

*LESSONS:

-There might be long "delays" before we receive our righteous desires

-All things are for our good and experience

-Faith in the Lord will help in being patient for God's timing

Rebekah:

*Daughter to Sarah

*Wife of Isaac- She was chosen to be his wife because she was at the watering hole and served the man that was there to find a wife for Jacob. 

*Mother of Esau and Jacob

*Virtuous, reverent, humble, modest, respect

*Waited YEARS to conceive

*She remained faithful in prayer, despite her trial

*Eventually she was blessed with two sons (Esau and Jacob), but her trials didn't end there... Her son, Esau, lost his birthright through choices he made.... which I'm sure comes with a lot of other trials or stress among family relationships that we don't hear about. She was able to guide Jacob to his birthright.

*LESSONS:

-If you are in the right place, at the right time, doing the right thing, then blessings come

-Women can be guides to those in their family: helping each other receive their "birthright"

Rachel (and Leah):

*Daughter to Rebekah

*Sister to Leah

*Wife to Jacob

*Jacob first wanted Rachel as a wife but he was tricked by working for 7 years (!), only to be given Leah to marry. Jacob worked another 7 years (!) and finally got Rachel. 

*Waited YEARS to conceive

*By both being married to Jacob and also giving their handmaids to Jacob, this is how the 12 Tribes of Israel were created!

*Rachel's trial: not conceiving

*Leah's trial: not having Jacobs full attention

*IF ONLY Rachel could've seen her posterity amidst her trial... I guess this is where faith comes in...

*LESSONS:

-Two sisters: two different trials: both painful to the individual: both possibly jealous of the other's situation. Don't want what others have. For all you know, they want what YOU have. Be grateful for the blessings you have in your life.

-Even if our reality is different that we expected or wanted, we will be blessed if we trust in the Lord and align our will to His.

-We will be blessed for obedience and faith

***** I never knew that all 3 of these women had issues conceiving! I knew Sarah did because it is a "common" story taught to young children and more principles and doctrine are added on later in youth and adult years. However, I can just imagine the pain and empathy Sarah had for her daughter, Rebekah, while she was also going through years of not conceiving. It was probably a huge blessing to Rebekah that there was someone there who personally knew what she was feeling and from what we read in scripture; it would seem that Abraham and Sarah were probably pillars of faith and examples to her throughout the journey until conceiving. I'm sure that Sarah gave advice and counsel that was beneficial to Rebekah. Rachel, Rebekah's daughter probably received the same strength, counsel, and hope from her mom and grandmother while she was suffering through her trial as well. Once again, it probably was a huge help in having these faithful women at her side to help her through her difficult time. *****

Shunammite Woman:

*Unnamed woman in scripture

*Married but childless

*She served the prophet in the capacity she was able

*She was content with her circumstances and humble (probably had great faith and accepted that she didn't have children yet)

*She didn't ask the prophet for her to be blessed to have children, but he promised her that she would conceive.

*Once conceiving, her child grew, but eventually died. The prophet, Elisha, restored her son to life!

*She listened to Elisha and left the land to avoid a famine

*LESSONS:

-Unselfish service brings great blessings

-When we faithfully follow the prophets counsel, we experience blessings

Hannah:

*She was barren

*This trial deeply affected her; she was full of great sorrow

*She was faithful and still went to the temple to try and give her pain to the Lord

*Mother to Samuel

*She put her trust in the Lord

*She bore 5 more children (so 6 total!)

*LESSONS:

-The Lord ALWAYS hears our prayers and answers them in the way and time which is best for us

-All things will work together for our good

-Great blessings come from faithfully waiting on the Lord

*****************************************************************************

What can we do right now while waiting for our righteous desires to be fulfilled by God?

-While "waiting" on the Lord's timing, spend more time being productive and improving yourself

-Keep strengthening your faith in the Lord

-Respond like Rebekah "I will go" when prompted by the Spirit

-Seek for revelation: act on it when it comes

-Put your full trust in the Lord

-What relationships can you develop further to increase love in your family?

-How has service blessed me?

-How quickly am I to obey the prophets' counsel?

-Do I have unfailing faith and trust that the Lord will hear and answer my prayers?

-Do I have the faith to wait humbly during my trials?

*****************************************************************************

These women would have been considered "barren" before conceiving their children. I put "barren" in quotes in the title of this blog, because I believe that although they weren't able to become pregnant, they weren't "empty", "without achievements", or "unproductive" as other definitions of this word would suggest. They were definitely Full of Faith and Fortitude as the title of both articles suggest. They were full of courage, prayer, meekness, humbleness, determination, sacrifice, hope, joy, long-suffering, charity, gratitude, obedience, etc. Because they trusted in the Lord and had faith in his timing, they were given great blessings, I'm sure more than they even ever expected. Blessings come AFTER the trial of your Faith, after all... I want to be like these great women in the scriptures. I am so grateful that these stories were included in the words we have today. I hope that I can have the faith to overcome this trial, and all others that will come later in life, in such a way that others can draw strength from... like these women's examples have helped me.

I hope you enjoyed these nuggets of truth and principle, as I did. These lessons learned can be applied to ANY trial you are going through. Have faith in the Lord and know that he knows best. Your dad always says, "The Lord knows best!"... it is probably his favorite response to things that don't go "our way". I know he is right. The Lord does know best.

Love you, 

Mom