Dear Bundle of Joy,
On Sundays, your dad and I love to watch videos: Mormon Messages, General Conference talks, Bible Videos, etc. A couple months ago we were watching a talk given at a
CES Devotional in March 2013 by Elder Bednar titled,
That We Might "Not... Shrink". It has stuck with me and while I do not have anything close to the struggle that relates to a terminal illness (like he tells in his talk), it definitely applies to the doctrine of faith.
Some think that Faith is JUST something you need to have
before miracles happen... and I agree that this is true. However, in this devotional Elder Bednar poses another question, one that I hadn't thought about before:
He asks if we have the faith to NOT be healed.
Do I have the faith to accept God's will and/or timing and NOT get what I want/ desire/ etc? Some people might lose faith after a trial or [in their minds] an unanswered prayer. However, this devotional puts into perspective that it takes a great amount of faith to remain faithful,
even when we do all that we can do and our prayers still remain unanswered in the way we want them to be. In the end, Faith is not only something we need for miracles to happen, but it is also something we need to have to realize that everything is in God's timing, ways, and reasons; and, everything will be for our good in the end.
Below is the excerpt from which Elder Bednar talks about this thought-provoking question, along with bolded phrases that hit me the hardest:
'Not My Will but Thine Be Done'
John is a worthy priesthood holder and served faithfully as a full-time missionary. After returning home from his mission, he dated and married a righteous and wonderful young woman, Heather. John was 23 and Heather was 20 on the day they were sealed together for time and for all eternity in the house of the Lord. Please keep in mind the respective ages of John and Heather as this story unfolds.
Approximately three weeks after their temple marriage, John was diagnosed with bone cancer. As cancer nodules also were discovered in his lungs, the prognosis was not good.
John recorded in his journal: “This was the scariest day of my life. Not only because I was told I had cancer, but also because I was newly married and somehow felt that I had failed as a husband. I was the provider and protector of our new family, and now—three weeks into that role—I felt like I had failed. I know that thought is absurd, but it is one of the crazy things I told myself in a moment of crisis.”
Heather noted: “This was devastating news, and I remember how greatly it changed our perspectives. I was in a hospital waiting room writing wedding thank-you notes as we anticipated the results of [John’s] tests. But after learning about [John’s] cancer, crock-pots and cookware did not seem so important anymore. This was the worst day of my life, but I remember going to bed that night with gratitude for our temple sealing. Though the doctors had given [John] only a 30 percent chance of survival, I knew that if we remained faithful I had a 100 percent chance to be with him forever.”
Approximately one month later John began chemotherapy. He described his experience: “The treatments caused me to be sicker than I had ever been in my life. I lost my hair, dropped 41 pounds, and my body felt like it was falling apart. The chemotherapy also affected me emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. Life was a rollercoaster during the months of chemo with highs, lows, and everything in between. But through it all, [Heather] and I maintained the faith that God would heal me. We just knew it.”
Heather chronicled her thoughts and feelings: “I could not stand to let [John] spend the night alone in the hospital, so I would sleep every night on the small couch in his room. We had lots of friends and family visit during the day, but the nights were the hardest. I would stare at the ceiling and wonder what Heavenly Father had planned for us. Sometimes my mind would wander into dark places, and my fear of losing [John] would almost overtake me. But I knew these thoughts were not from Heavenly Father. My prayers for comfort became more frequent, and the Lord gave me the strength to keep going.”
Three months later John underwent a surgical procedure to remove a large tumor in his leg. John stated: “The surgery was a huge deal for us because pathology tests were to be run on the tumor to see how much of it was viable and how much of the cancer was dead. This analysis would give us the first indication of the effectiveness of the chemotherapy and of how aggressive we would need to be with future treatments.”
Two days following the operation, I visited John and Heather in the hospital. We talked about the first time I met John in the mission field, about their marriage, about the cancer, and about the eternally important lessons we learn through the trials of mortality. As we concluded our time together, John asked if I would give him a priesthood blessing. I responded that I gladly would give such a blessing, but I first needed to ask some questions.
I then posed questions I had not planned to ask and had never previously considered: “[John,] do you have the faith not to be healed? If it is the will of our Heavenly Father that you are transferred by death in your youth to the spirit world to continue your ministry, do you have the faith to submit to His will and not be healed?”
I frankly was surprised by the questions I felt prompted to ask this particular couple. Frequently in the scriptures, the Savior or His servants exercised the spiritual gift of healing (see 1 Corinthians 12:9;D&C 35:9; 46:20) and perceived that an individual had the faith to be healed (see Acts 14:9; 3 Nephi 17:8; D&C 46:19). But as John and Heather and I counseled together and wrestled with these questions, we increasingly understood that if God’s will were for this good young man to be healed, then that blessing could only be received if this valiant couple first had the faith not to be healed. In other words, John and Heather needed to overcome, through the Atonement of the Lord Jesus Christ, the “natural man” (Mosiah 3:19) tendency in all of us to demand impatiently and insist incessantly on the blessings we want and believe we deserve.
We recognized a principle that applies to every devoted disciple: strong faith in the Savior is submissively accepting of His will and timing in our lives—even if the outcome is not what we hoped for or wanted. Certainly, John and Heather would desire, yearn, and plead for healing with all of their might, mind, and strength. But more importantly, they would be “willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon [them], even as a child doth submit to his father” (Mosiah 3:19). Indeed, they would be willing to “offer [their] whole souls as an offering unto him” (Omni 1:26) and humbly pray, “Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done” (Luke 22:42).
What initially seemed to John, Heather, and me to be perplexing questions became part of a pervasive pattern of gospel paradoxes. Consider the admonition of the Savior: “He that findeth his life shall lose it: and he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it” (Matthew 10:39). He also declared, “But many that are first shall be last; and the last shall be first” (Matthew 19:30). And the Lord counseled His latter-day disciples, “By thy word many high ones shall be brought low, and by thy word many low ones shall be exalted” (D&C 112:8). Thus, having the faith to not be healed seemed to fit appropriately into a powerful pattern of penetrating paradoxes that require us to ask, to seek, and to knock that we might receive knowledge and understanding (see 3 Nephi 14:7).
After taking the necessary time to ponder my inquiries and to talk with his wife, John said to me: “Elder Bednar, I do not want to die. I do not want to leave [Heather]. But if the will of the Lord is to transfer me to the spirit world, then I guess I am good with that.” My heart swelled with appreciation and admiration as I witnessed this young couple confront the most demanding of all spiritual struggles—the submissive surrender of their wills to God’s will. My faith was strengthened as I witnessed this couple allowing their strong and understandable desires for healing to be “swallowed up in the will of the Father” (Mosiah 15:7).
John described his reaction to our conversation and the blessing he received: “Elder Bednar shared with us the thought from Elder Maxwell that it is better to not shrink than to survive. Elder Bednar then asked us, ‘I know you have the faith to be healed, but do you have the faith not to be healed?’ This was a foreign concept to me. Essentially he was asking if I had the faith to accept God’s will if His will were that I not be healed? If the time were approaching for me to enter the spirit world through death, was I prepared to submit and accept?”
John continued: “Having the faith not to be healed seemed counterintuitive; but that perspective changed the way my wife and I thought and allowed us to put our trust fully in the Father’s plan for us. We learned we needed to gain the faith that the Lord is in charge whatever the outcome may be, and He will guide us from where we are to where we need to be. As we prayed, our petitions changed from ‘Please make me whole’ to ‘Please give me the faith to accept whatever outcome Thou hast planned for me.’
“I was sure that since Elder Bednar was an Apostle, he would bless the elements of my body to realign, and I would jump out of the bed and start to dance or do something dramatic like that! But as he blessed me that day, I was amazed that the words he spoke were almost identical to those of my father, my father-in-law, and my mission president. I realized that ultimately it does not matter whose hands are on my head. God’s power does not change, and His will is made known to us individually and through His authorized servants.”
Heather wrote: “This day was filled with mixed emotions for me. I was convinced that Elder Bednar would place his hands on [John’s] head and completely heal him of the cancer. I knew that through the power of the priesthood he could be healed, and I wanted so bad for that to happen. After he taught us about the faith to not be healed, I was terrified. Up to that point, I had never had to come to grips with the fact that the Lord’s plan might include losing my new husband. My faith was dependent upon the outcomes I wanted. In a manner of speaking, it was one-dimensional. Though terrifying at first, the thought of having the faith not to be healed ultimately freed me from worry. It allowed me to have complete trust that my Heavenly Father knew me better than I knew myself, and He would do what was best for me and John.”
A blessing was given, and weeks, months, and years passed by. John’s cancer miraculously went into remission. He was able to complete his university studies and obtained gainful employment. John and Heather continued to strengthen their relationship and enjoy life together.
Some time later I subsequently received a letter from John and Heather informing me that the cancer had returned. Chemotherapy was resumed and surgery scheduled. John explained: “Not only did this news come as a disappointment to [Heather] and me, but we were puzzled by it. Was there something we did not learn the first time? Did the Lord expect something more from us? Growing up as Latter-day Saints, it was common to go to church and hear the phrase, ‘every trial God gives us is for our benefit.’ Well, to be honest, I could not see how this was benefitting me!
“So I began to pray for clarity and for the Lord to help me understand why this recurrence of the cancer was happening. One day as I was reading in the New Testament I received my answer. I read the account of Christ and His Apostles on the sea when a tempest arose. Fearing the boat would capsize, the disciples went to the Savior and asked, ‘Master, carest thou not that we perish?’ This is exactly how I felt! Carest thou not that I have cancer? Carest thou not that we want to start a family? But as I read on in the story, I found my answer. The Lord looked at them and said, ‘O ye of little faith,’ and He stretched forth His hand and calmed the waters.
“In that moment I had to ask myself, ‘Do I really believe this?’ Do I really believe He calmed the waters that day? Or is it just a nice story to read about?’ The answer is: I do believe, and because I know He calmed the waters, I instantly knew He could heal me. Up until this point, I had a hard time reconciling the need for my faith in Christ with the inevitability of His will. I saw them as two separate things, and sometimes I felt that one contradicted the other. ‘Why should I have faith if His will ultimately is what will prevail,’ I asked? After this experience, I knew that having faith—at least in my circumstance—was not necessarily knowing that He would heal me, but that He could heal me. I had to believe that He could, and then whether it happened was up to Him.
“As I allowed those two ideas to coexist in my life, focused faith in Jesus Christ and complete submission to His will, I found greater comfort and peace. It has been so remarkable to see the Lord’s hand in our lives. Things have fallen into place, miracles have happened, and we continually are humbled to see God’s plan for us unfold.”
I repeat for emphasis John’s statement: “As I allowed those two ideas to coexist in my life, focused faith in Jesus Christ and complete submission to His will, I found greater comfort and peace.”
Righteousness and faith certainly are instrumental in moving mountains—if moving mountains accomplishes God’s purposes and is in accordance with His will. Righteousness and faith certainly are instrumental in healing the sick, deaf, or lame—if such healing accomplishes God’s purposes and is in accordance with His will. Thus, even with strong faith, many mountains will not be moved. And not all of the sick and infirm will be healed. If all opposition were curtailed, if all maladies were removed, then the primary purposes of the Father’s plan would be frustrated.
Many of the lessons we are to learn in mortality can only be received through the things we experience and sometimes suffer. And God expects and trusts us to face temporary mortal adversity with His help so we can learn what we need to learn and ultimately become what we are to become in eternity.
I know that faith is not something we obtain ONLY to be blessed. While the former is true, additionally it is also something we obtain and cultivate to help us keep hope when things don't go our way or in our timing we thought was "right". If this were the case, faith would be, like she stated, dependent on the outcome: we know this isn't true faith.
Like Elder Bednar says, I know that this trial of waiting and heartache is beneficial to me. It definitely has helped me to grow my faith and try to understand God's will for me. Although it really sucks (to be completely honest) to postpone you being here with us, I truly am grateful for this trial. It has propelled me spiritually in a way that I do not think could have been brough to pass by any other means at this time in my life.
I love how she says that her husband was only given a 30% chance at surviving, but if she remained faithful that she would have 100% chance of being with him forever. Whether you come to us in the near future, later on, or not in this life, I know that I have a 100% chance of having children if I remain faithful to God.
Love,
Mom
