IUI #3 (April - May 2016)

Dear Bundle of Joy,

So we're off to lucky #3! This last failed IUI was really hard for me. I felt like it was the hardest to "bounce back" from, thus far. But, like always, I got over it and kept pushing on. It will happen when it is supposed to happen. I had a sweet friend drop of a picture frame with the quote "Keey trying, trusting, believing, growing. Heaven is cheering you on today, tomorrow, and forever" -Jeffrey R. Holland. It means a lot to me knowing other people care and are thinking about me in this long process. It also is nice having a very supportive husband who will hold me while I cry,  and cry,  and cry. He's very faithful and knows it'll happen when it's supposed to.


CD 2: Thursday, April 21- So, I had an appointment today to start round #3! I was afraid we'd have a cyst, like before, and have to delay treatment. If that were the case, we wouldn't have been able to do this month since I will be out of town for Girls Camp June 1-4. BUUUUUT the stars were aligned and no cysts this round!!! :) He is changing up the medication amounts this round to be more aggressive (but also more expensive with meds on my end...) in the beginning. Crossing our fingers... again!

CD 3: Friday, April 22- Today was cycle day 3 so I started taking my 2 Femara pills. Easy peazy, lemon squeezy.

CD 4: Saturday, April 23- Tonight I had to take my 2 Femara pills and also 125u of Gonal-f. It was a quick and easy shot! Hooray!

CD 5: Sunday, April 24- 2 Femara pills were on the menu tonight!

CD 6: Monday, April 25- 2 Femara pills and another shot of 125u of Gonal-f! The shot didn't like my left side (it stuck me and didn't really slide in... it hurt!), so I switched it to the right. It went right in! All afternoon and night I was soo tired and had a migraine. It was the worst, so I took a nap when I got home from work and still managed to go to sleep at 9!

CD 7: Tuesday, April 26-  2 Femara pills tonight! When I woke up I felt great- I was glad to see that my migraine had gone away. For some reason, around 8:00am I started to feel so nauseated! It lasted about an hour with cold sweats coming and going. I was substituting at a good high school today so managing them wasn't bad, so that's good. Around 9:00am I bent over a trash can behind the teacher's desk in the classroom and threw up! Ugh! It was a small class in a "study hall" type period, so at least it was a very informal class. The kids were very kind, but it was still kind of embarrassing. I told them it was a side effect of a prescription that I was taking and that I was fine. I went home from work and had an upset stomach all afternoon and evening.

CD 8: Wednesday, April 27-  I wasn't nauseous today, so that was good! I was really tired which was really weird since I took a nap and went to sleep early last night... Anyway, I had an ultrasound today the the RE's office since it was CD8. Everything is turning out great! I had 5 follicles that were all at 14mm! This is good, but cautiously good. We can't have too many follicles that reach maturity: ideally 3-4. (However, Dad keeps saying "who cares if there are 5... when there were 3 or 4 the last couple times it didn't work." Apparently, he's okay if we have quintuplets or something haha!) For this reason, my units of my shot tonight were lowered from 125 units to 75 units. So, for tonights meds it is 2 Femara pills as well as a shot of 75u of  Gonal-f. Dr. Amols wants to bring me in again tomorrow morning before work for another ultrasound to monitor the follicles and their reaction to the 75 units. Hoping everything works the way it should!

CD 9: Thursday, April 28- Today I went to the doctors before work. I have 4 follicles that are measuring at 15mm. He says this is good. He wanted me to use 100u of gonal-f tonight and come back tomorrow. The shot actually went in smoothly and didn't hurt--- hooray! I gave the shot just to the right of my belly button and it seems that my right side cooperates better. So, I will see what he says tomorrow at 4:45 at my appointment... hopefully its a go!

CD 10: Friday, April 29- This afternoon I had a huge migraine all day and some nausea for about an hour while at work. I also had another appointment with Dr. Amols today after work. I had 3 follicles that are measuring at 16mm and 1 follicle at 17mm.  He is very happy with this cycle and the fact that no eggs regressed like it did last cycle. Hopefully... I am taking one more shot tonight of 75 units of Gonal-f. Also, Dr. Amols wants to see if we can hold out one more day in order for them to get a little bigger and therefore, more viable. He doesn't want my body to release these eggs on their own, so he gave me another shot to take home and give myself tomorrow morning to prevent ovulation. Then, I'll be giving myself the Trigger Shot on Monday morning, with the IUI on Tuesday afternoon!

CD 11: Saturday, April 30- This morning I woke up and gave myself the Ganirelix shot. The first stick was pokey. The second stick I decided to go in harder- and it went in without a pinch. Hopefully it does what it's supposed to do and delays ovulation so that we can trigger it ourselves when we want it to.

CD 12: Sunday, May 1- Today was fast Sunday. I was obviously fasting for you. I think a lot of other people were too. Before going to bed, I asked Dad for a blessing of peace, for my body to be relaxed, and for me to be okay with any outcome. It was a special moment. Warm tears were streaming down my face the entire time. I felt peace. I felt that I could let go and know that Im not in charge of this. I felt assurance that God loves me and knows the desires of my heart. I love the power of the priesthood. I am blessed to have it available in my life.

CD 13: Monday, May 2- So, I woke up at 4am this morning to take my trigger shot out of the fridge. I shut my eyes for a bit and then gave the shot to myself at 445am once it had gotten to room temperature. It was quick and (pretty) painless (I did it on the right side ha). I mostly wanted to get it done so I could sleep for another hour and a half before having to get up for work. It was a pretty big motivator ;) Maybe this will be the last shot until you arrive!

CD 14: Tuesday, May 3- IUI DAY! Work was easy today, which I was hoping for! I was calm all day. Dad was able to go to the doctor's office at 3:15pm and then my appointment was at 4:45pm. He wasn't able to come to the actual IUI because he had night shift work and had to rush home as it was. I was a little sad, but I also don't want him tired while flying airplanes at night. They were able to do the procedure with little discomfort. My cervix was being difficult again so they needed to use another tool to open it up. There was slight cramping, but no bleeding at the doctors office. There was a little bit of discharge throughout the rest of the evening. When I got home, I had some short, severe cramping which apparently can happen. It was painful...  Now, off for some rest and the dreaded 2ww.

3DPIUI: Friday, May 6th-  I forgot to take my progesterone suppository tonight!!! With trying to relax this cycle and not really think about everything going on, it completely slipped my mind that I was supposed to take this! Uh-oh!

4DPIUI: Saturday, May 7th-  I forgot to take my progesterone suppository tonight!!! ah!

5DPIUI: Sunday, May 8th- I forgot to take my progesterone suppository tonight!!! ah!

6DPIUI: Monday, May 9th-  I remember that I was supposed to take the progesterones... So I took one before I went to bed.

7DPIUI: Tuesday, May 10th- Since I forgot to take these, I took another suppository in the morning. I also took another one at night before bed.

8DPIUI: Wednesday, May 11th- I took another suppository in the morning as well as another one before bed.

9-11DPIUI: Thursday/Friday/Saturday, May 12/13/14- I didn't have any symptoms of the progesterone or of a potential pregnancy. I was starting to lose hope and prepare myself for a negative cycle.

12-13DPIUI: Sunday/ Monday, May 15/16-  I was started to feel bloated like I did last cycle so I suspected that my period was going to start in a couple days (as expected)

14DPIUI: Tuesday, May 17- I tested this morning... I was preparing myself for a negative since last round I was so convinced that I was pregnant but it ended up in a BFN. MUCH TO MY SURPRISE... THIS IS WHAT I SAW:

Love,
Your mom (FINALLY!!!)

IUI #2 (February-April 2016)

Dear Bundle of Joy,

Since January's IUI was unsuccessful, we are at it again! My friends were so thoughtful and send me some flowers. It was a sweet gesture that I started crying: reminded that it didn't work out, but also touched that they had the thought to think of me during their busy lives.

CD 3: Wednesday, February 3- I had an ultrasound to check on my lining and follicles. There was 1 cyst on my right ovary... so I had to be put on birth control and go back in 2 weeks.

CD 17: Wednesday, February 17- I had another ultrasound to check on the status of my one cyst. It had actually gotten larger. :( Dr. Amols said that we most likely didn't catch it in time so it wasn't affected by the stopped hormones and kept growing on its own. Now, we have to wait a few weeks for my cycle to naturally start and for the cyst to go away on its own. The waiting game starts once again. :/

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CD 3: Wednesday, March 23- My cycle finally started and I had my check up today to see if that cyst had gone away... and IT HAD! YAY! We can move on with IUI #2. Dr. Amols wanted to try a different combination of medication this time around. I will be taking the Femara oral medications and injections (Gonal-f) at the same time. Using Gonal-f is different this time around and it means more shots (and about $450 more to even buy it)!  I'll be giving myself 2 shots by injecting my stomach on Day 4 (100 units) and Day 6 (75 units). Ugh. I hate giving myself shots but I'll do anything to get you here. Annnnd these shots are premixed in a pen, so I don't have to measure out and mix it myself (like I had to do with the Menopur last cycle)- I'd call that a {little} win! haha. 

Gonal-f pen... just TWIST and STICK!

CD 4: Thursday, March 24- 2 pills of Femara tonight!

CD 5: Friday, March 25- 2 pills of Femara tonight!

CD 6/7: Saturday/ Sunday, March 26/27- 2 pills of Femara on Saturday and Sunday. Today I had several throbbing pains in my right side. I'm hoping this is a good sign and my follies are growing, growing, growing! I go on Monday (CD 8) for a follicle check--- hope all goes well. :)

CD 8: Monday, March 28- I had another ultrasound and was told to take another shot! This time it will be 75 units of the Gonal-f. He said that there were about 7 follicles, measuring around 9-11mm each. Most of the time follicles stop growing while others keep going with the medication. He's hoping this will happen because at 7 follicles, we wouldn't be able to go forward with the IUI. The follicles need to be around 15mm or larger in order to be viable to conceive. He wants me to come back tomorrow for another ultrasound.

CD 9: Tuesday, March 29- I visited the office again today. There were some follicles measuring around 9mm still (this is good), while others grew a little to around 11-13mm. He did say it was "slow and steady" but was "hoping they'd be further along", so I have to give myself another shot of 100 units of Gonal-f tonight! :( AS WELL AS another shot of 75 units of Gonal-f tomorrow night! :( Then, he's bringing me back for an ultrasound on the 31st to check things out. I should know when I'm going to have to do my trigger shot then...

I know I'll get used to giving myself shots, but I'm still "not there" yet.... Boo!

CD 10: Wednesday, March 30- I went to put the shot in like every other time and for some reason it hurt so bad, so I had to pull it out since it wasn't even half-way in. I tried again and even switched sides... it didn't hurt going in, but when I took it out it tingled. I rubbed it out, like I usually do, and noticed it hurt. I looked down and I could tell there was an instant bruise. Apparently I touched something in there and made it bruise... I couldn't lean over for the rest of the night, but it was fine the next day. 

CD 11: Thursday, March 31- I had another ultrasound to look at the follicle growth today. It looked good. I had some follices at 16 and another at 14. Three very good looking follicles with a 4th really close to being viable! He administered another shot of 100 units of Gonal-f  and wants me to come back tomorrow for my (hopefully) last ultrasound. 

CD 12: Friday, April 1- I left work to have my ultrasound done. Dr. Amols was a little surprised to see that one of my eggs got smaller! :( Not good. Now I only had one egg at 16 and one at 14 and another at 15... I was given another shot in the office and had another ultrasound tomorrow morning... 😧 Dr. Amols said he didn't want to scare me,  but he has only seen this happen once before. When I asked what it could mean, he said that my body could be becoming resistant to these drugs, thinking its foreign so it rejects it. Boo. He said we could always up the dosage IF that is what's happening, but obviously that means that it is just more money :( Here's to hoping tomorrow morning all my eggs have grown and we're ready to do my Trigger Shot! *crossing fingers*

CD 13: Saturday, April 2- I had another ultrasound today. My follicles were up! I had a 16, 17, and 18! They gave me one more shot to make sure they didn't decline the next couple days. They informed me that my Trigger Shot will be tonight at 11:30pm- on the dot! Then my IUI will be on Monday, April 4.

I don't know if it was because I was tired, the hormones in me, or something else, but I had a little breakdown tonight. It took me like 10 minutes to give myself the shot. :( I poked myself a few times and had to take it out because it hurt too much. I started crying and hating the situation. Why can't I get pregnant like everyone else? Why do I have to poke myself with these needles? Why do I have to fill my afternoons with doctors appointments? Why? Then, Dad said to lay down on the bed and relax my stomach muscle then give myself the shot. I did that and was finally able to get it in, with the hope of sleep in the minutes after I stuck myself. It wasn't bad this time around. Ugh. Hopefully this is the last shot I have to give myself.... :)

CD 15: Monday, April 4- IUI DAY!!! I had to take work off today since the only appointment time that would work with your Dad's and my schedule was 11:30am. When I got there I was calm and at peace with whatever might happen. There were some complications with my cervix not opening correctly, so I experienced a lot more pain than last time around. There was blood and cramping, but nothing concerning. As I waited on the table for 15 minutes, it was quiet, the room was dark, and I was able to contemplate happy and hopeful thoughts of you joining our life. Now comes the dreaded 2WW (2 week wait)... along with progesterone (a medication that mimics pregnancy symptoms- headaches, fatigue, and nausea are most common... grrrreat!) 

This wait is a time where my heart feels full of faith and hope but my brain reels it in with caution. Here's to hoping! :) Whatever comes, God knows best.

4DPIUI: Friday, April 8- Hopeful thinking or reassuring thought? I'll let you decide: I had a very vivid dream last night where I was at the doctor's office. Dr. Amols came in and said that my hormone levels were basically tripled from the "Safe" levels. In my mind I thought "TWINS!". Then, I woke up. I still had the literal feeling of "happy" when I woke up. I am really excited if that is the case. However, my brain had to reel in my hopeful thoughts in order to save my heart in case it doesn't work out. However, I feel that this time around I do feel better about it working out than last time! I like this feeling. We'll see what happens...

7DPIUI: Monday, April 11- Ive been having very painful and,*tugging* like pains in my stomach area. I usually do not have cramping preceeding my cycle, but either way, these feel completely different. It's hard to say what it could be. The progesterone suppositories are cruel and unusual punishment for people TTC. They mimic pregnancy symptoms... but you could be suffering them for 2 weeks and then still end up not pregnant. We'll see in a couple of days...

9DPIUI: Wednesday, April 13- While at work today, I started to get similar cramps that happen on Day 1 of my cycle. I was terrified that my cycle had started early and the feeling of disappointment, failure, and loss started to creep in.  To my surprise, I hadn't started my cycle! Woo hoo- I lived another day ;) The waiting game continues until Monday! 

13DPIUI: Sunday, April 17- Much to my surprise, I got a big, fat negative today. I really thought and felt different this round. I could only last through sacrament meeting today. It was a great service but my mind kept wandering to that negative pregnancy test. Will I only see negative? When will it happen? Will it ever happen? I couldn't pretend to be happy. I had to go home. My eyes hurt from so much crying today. I feel so defeated. lonely. sad. Later in the evening I had a Stake Girl's Camp meeting (I am the stake videographer/photographer). My assignment for the night was to interview the girls about questions involving the theme: "Press Forward with the Light of Christ". I feel like the theme is more for me than the girls. I felt of God's love for me during this time where I am trying to Press Forward when the girls were answering the questions. I know there's a reason and a purpose for this, but I still struggle with it in some moments... especially these moments when I find out we still aren't pregnant yet... :'(

I think that we might be able to complete one more cycle before I have to head to camp... as long as I don't have any cysts. We'll see what happens...

Until next time...

Love, 

Your Parents

"One Day Closer"

Dear Bundle of Joy,

Making a baby is the hardest thing I have ever done.

It hurts to hear the commandment "multiply and replenish the Earth". It reminds me that I haven't and I can't... yet. I know its not a punishment from God, but it is hard to wrap my mind around NOT being able to follow a commandment even though we really want to. I know it is the intent of my heart, but it still stings.

Throughout this experience, I have thought about each day as "one day closer":

One day closer to:
-peace
-being filled with hope
-becoming pregnant
-becoming better
-accepting God's timing
-increased faith

However, if I lose my faith in God it could be different.

Once day closer to:
-less peace
-losing hope
-becoming discouraged
-becoming angry with God
-having less faith
-becoming miserable

Trials can yield very different results... it depends on  how we react to and respond to the circumstances and whether we utilize the atonement in our life or if we are too proud to do so. Hopefully you can always know that the atonement can and will help you through any trial in your life.

Love,
Mom