Going to church has been hard the last couple of years. Let me just say that my testimony will never be broken by this trial. I am doing everything I can to preserve it. Usually I am happy, content, and hopeful, but there are those times that it is hard and I let the sadness creep in. Although church is a great place to be and a great place to be edified, I sometimes would focus on the wrong things. I've realized now that I needed to change my perspective of church and focus on how I can change my life/ ways rather than focus on what I am lacking and don't/ can't have right now.
Before I had this realization, I had a hard time going to church. I always went, always fulfilled my calling, did my visiting teaching most of the time, and tried to reach out to others while I was there on Sunday or at the activity nights. After we had been trying for about a year to have you, I wrote down some of my feelings in my journal which I'll put in here for you to read as well:
***(2013) It's hard at church because it obviously is family-centered and there are babies/ little kids everywhere! In relief society the lessons always relate to being a better mom, how to manage everything with kids, the trials of children, etc. The worst part is when other women relate their trials as "enduring the needs of their child/ren and sleepless nights, with day-in-day-out taking care of them, no time for them self, everything is on their child's schedule, etc. Do they know that others LONG for that? I would love that- it would mean I have a baby. I see moms getting frustrated and stressed when their child is kicking and screaming at church or at the store and I want that so badly- that means I have a baby. I hear that so-and-so can't afford this or that because of their children and I would trade places with them in an instant- that means that I have a baby. Facebook status's and posted pictures of pregnancy announcements or newborn pictures used to be so exciting to look at- always adorable; however, now they were getting harder and harder to look at because it reminded me of how I didn't have YOU. I hated how people would say, "you wouldn't know... you don't have kids" like I was somehow "less" than them and that they knew so much more. Maybe they do. But just because you have a kid doesn't mean you know everything about kids or what is best for them (i.e. I'm pretty sure I would know more of how to raise a child than a 14 year old teen mom who has a child- okay rant over). I would also feel guilty whenever one of my close friends said that they were pregnant again because I would have so many mixed emotions: excited for them, sad about my situation, jealous that they are blessed with another child, but then hopeful that my turn would be next, then guilt for feeling those feelings about my friends. This vicious cycle would happen every---single---time! I hated it. The thing that hurt more was when someone "had an accident" and got pregnant and they're all like "Wow! We weren't even trying, but are so happy for this new addition!" I know I should feel happy for them, but sometimes it doesn't seem fair. But worst of all is news about abortion clinics/ people who went to get an abortion--- There are so many people who want/ hope for a baby out there, but there are also that many people who are so quick to kill that baby... :( ***
Didn't they realize how blessed they were??
I was also worried that people would see that we weren't having kids and assume that I was being selfish and putting my own goals ahead of having a family. We would have traded anything to have you here sooner- but apparently that wasn't in His plans. Every time I would meet someone new or we would move into a new ward, I hated "small talk" and introducing myself.
Person: We have a new sister in our ward that just moved in. Tell us a little about yourself!
Me: Well, my name is Brittany and My husband's name is Jordan. We just moved to ______. We have been married for ____years. He is in school/ a pilot/ works for ______. I am a special education teacher. We have a dog, but no kids yet.... but we are hoping any day that we are blessed with them...
This conversation has happened countless times when moving into new wards or meeting new people. I feel bad because now, after being married for 5 years and being mormon, they assume that we have kids so then they start asking "how many kids do you have?" instead of "do you have any kids?". I also feel bad because after I respond, I usually get something along the lines of "well, it's in God's timing". I just smile and know that this is true--- however, it doesn't make me feel any better at the moment.
That was my rut last year: Didn't THEY realize how blessed THEY were??? I would find myself constantly thinking "why can't they just be grateful for what they have!?" and in a way judging them. I had skipped over all that I had to be grateful for and all that I had that was important to me.
Counting others' blessings when I should be counting my own
- More time for:
- going to the temple
- building a better relationship with God (you can actually read your scriptures and pray in peace! haha) and Jordan
- making homemade dinners
- going out to dinner or a movie on a whim (even if was already 10pm!) without thought of getting a babysitter
- serving others
- helping out people in the ward, fulfill hard callings, be a better neighbor
- Having a husband whom loved me and I loved him
- My family/ wonderful upbringing and experiences
- Great friends from when I was in elementary school
- I was able to finish school and work while Jordan was able to quit his job and go to school
- financially more stable- reliable car, safe house, we both had jobs
- I could actually have a clean house if I wanted!
- I was married to my best friend for eternity
- I was/ am able to continue to build a more personal relationship with my Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ my Savior, and the the Holy Ghost
Obviously some things on this list aren't that important (like being financially more stable), but it definitely could be a trial in someone else's life and we were blessed enough to not have to worry about that right now. We really didn't have anything to complain or be sad about in any other aspect of our life... we were truly blessed.
I have been told that when we tear our self down we are actually comparing others' strengths to our weaknesses. After thinking about this, I realized that what I was doing was comparing others' blessings to my trials. Of course it would skew my perspective and consume me if I focused on what others had compared to what I didn't have. I knew I had to change this and that it wasn't fair to me to be doing this. I understand that now, but it is still hard to keep the "big picture"/ "eternal perspective" in mind.
Another huge blessing that comes from this trial is that I will have an increased growth and appreciation for the kids that do come to us eventually. I know what it is like to work full-time and know I won't be a SATHM who longs to get out of the house and work instead of taking care of diapers/spills/laundry, etc. Even though monotonous and energy draining, I will try my best to realize that this is what I had been longing for and hoping for my whole life: to be a mom. I know that I will think twice about complaining to Jordan about this or that or how we can't afford things or getting angry at my children. I know I will still do those things, but I'm thinking that I will have a better filter after this experience of wanting it so badly haha.
I know that as much as I hated hearing it, I knew and know that God has a plan for me. He hasn't sent you to us yet for a reason. Maybe it's because I need to know that it is on HIS timing, not mine. I like things planned out and when it is in my control it happens according to that timeline. However, I know that there might be something else in store for me before you arrive to us. I am definitely grateful for this trial. In all honesty, before I knew that we would have problems with fertility, I did pray for a trial to help me become a better person. I thought it was a good idea at the time... I felt like I needed something to help me grow spiritually. I guess the lesson here is be careful what you ask God for, hehe. It definitely has helped me become more fervent and sincere in my prayers, scripture study, and personal revelation. It has helped me have empathy for others going through the same things. I know that the road is not yet finished and I will have the blessing of learning and growing more. The Lord is so kind to do this for me... and ultimately you--- you'll be getting a better Mommy than if you came when we had wanted you to.
---Mom and Dad
---Mom and Dad
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