RE: Diagnostic Testing and Follow- Up

Dear Bundle of Joy,


About a month ago, I met with the reproductive endocrinologist (RE) and talked about my situation. He suggested their routine diagnostic testing procedures to see if anything major sticks out since my OB didn't really have an idea of what was causing this. I went through many procedures that were not the most pleasant things in my life, but it could have been worse, I guess. I just kept thinking that anything isn't too painful that I won't want to try it, if it means a chance of having you come here. Some things that I have done so far:

***With my OB: I did 3 rounds of Clomid. They took blood each time to monitor my progesterone levels. The first round was 50 mg of Clomid, the second round was 100 mg, and the last round was 150 mg. Usually, with this much increase of Clomid, they would expect to see some increase in my progesterone levels. Each time they were around the same... very low. Apparently you should be a level 10-12 (I don't know of what, haha), and I was at a level .5-1! This obviously was disheartening. I had heard of so many women who have had problems and them take the magic drug, aka Clomid, and then conceive... some with twins even. I thought that this would be me too, of course. I was still in shock that  we were having troubles, that of course the journey would here, wouldn't it? After taking this for a couple of months we would be on our way to being a "normal" family and on to our next adventure or chapter of of life... right? No. I remember the day that I got the call from the nurse practitioner. She seemed awkward and hesitant when delivering this message, so I felt obligated to help her out. It went something like this:

NURSE: So, um, we got your blood results back and the progesterone levels came back really low again.
ME: Oh, okay. So are we going to increase it again or....
NURSE: Well, 150 mg is usually the maximum that we would go.... and.....
ME: (I could tell where she was going with this, so I ended it for her) So, are we stopping it then?
NURSE: .... yeah. *SILENCE* We are going to be referring you to a reproductive endocrinologist to conduct some more testing to see if he can set you up with a plan of action.
ME: (So, basically you don't know what's going on.....) Oh, Okay....

End of call. I was in shock and didn't know what to say. I sat at my desk in my classroom.... my "magic" drug didn't work. The feelings of nauseousness and headaches were for nothing the past three cycles. No baby. No hope with Clomid. Tears balled up in my eyes and fell like crocodile tears. I couldn't even hold it back, even if I tried. Down they fell. I finally was able to get it together, when I realized where I was and that someone could walk into my classroom at any moment and see me like that. So, even though I wasn't completely coping/ coming to terms with the fact that we were having problems conceiving you, now I had to deal with the fact that this drug that "everybody" said to take and that it solved "so-and-so's problem", well, wasn't working for us either... So, off to the RE I went.

*****The next part is more of an outline of the diagnostic testing that has been done so far, rather than my thoughts or feelings on things. So... if you don't like TMI, then don't read further, haha*****

1) Blood Tests.... and tons of them! I hate needles- doesn't really make for an enjoyable experience. :/
-----WHAT IT IS: blood tests, obviously... it tested many things like STD's, genetic recessive genes that I could be carriers for, blood type, white and red blood count levels, and other hormones.
-----CONCLUSION: Normal, EXCEPT for my blood counts and Rubella virus. It looked like I was iron deficient anemic. Which wasn't surprising since I was anemic at the end of high school. But, I had thought that I had "gotten over" this--- I guess I should have gotten my blood tested before I stopped taking my iron pills, but I felt a million times better after about a year of taking those supplements. :/ So, I need to go to my PCP, possibly have them run some blood tests, and have a plan of care to manage that. Also, they found that I am not resistant to the Rubella virus. They need me to also go to my PCP and get this shot so that if I do get pregnant, I won't get infected with Rubella and harm our child. But, I did "pass" all the STD screenings... whew, dodged a bullet there... ;) ha.

2) Transvaginal Ultrasound: 
-----WHAT IT IS: This was to look at my overall uterus, ovaries/ egg counts, and to see if there were any cysts on my ovaries.
-----CONCLUSION: My overall uterus looked like it was in great condition: size, shape, etc. My ovaries each had about 8 eggs in them, which he said was great (yay!), but on my left ovary there was a cyst. He said that sometimes this is normal with random cycles and they go away on their own. When we do another ultrasound we will look at this and make sure it is gone. If it isn't, then we might need to look into deeper and figure out if we need to take it out. (ah- surgery!) But, overall, he said that it was a normal test.

3) Sonohysterogram:
-----WHAT IT IS: Sterile Saline solutions fills up my uterus while being examined by a transvaginal ultrasound. The doctor looks at detailed views of the uterus and the endometrium.
-----CONCLUSION: Normal. He said that the size, shape, lining were good and that there weren't and structural imperfections. However, there was a "mass" at the bottom of my uterus. He reassured me that he didn't think it was cancer and that we didn't need to immediately do surgery or anything (whew, dodged that "surgery" thing again!) He said that this mass wasn't anywhere near where eggs implant to start growing so it wasn't a concern of his. He said that we would later talk about what to do with it, if anything.

4) Hysterosalipinogram (HSG): 
-----WHAT IT IS: This is an x-ray procedure which involves injecting a dye through the cervix into the uterus and fallopian tubes. It basically shows if the tubes are open or blocked. Obviously if they are open, that is good because it will let an egg pass through. But, if it is blocked then no eggs can pass, therefore no pregnancy can occur. (I secretly wanted this to show up abnormal so that this quest to find out "what's wrong" would be over and we could "solve the problem"... but apparently that would be too easy, now, wouldn't it? hehe.) They had to inject anesthesia to the cervix which was... let's just say--- not normal. You're not supposed to get shot there haha. But, like I said before... if it will help trying to figure out this whole situation or bring a baby to us, then I will try it if we have the means to do so.
-----CONCLUSION: Normal. It's so interesting how many mixed emotions occur when you hear the doctor say this: normal test... happy and hopeful that this can still be fixed since nothing is apparently wrong, but then sad and disappointed that the problem isn't solved or pinpointed.

5) Jordan's "man" testing:
-----WHAT IT IS: A semen sample is taken and analyzed. They look at: volume, sperm count, morphology, motility, and some other things. Needless to say, Jordan said the clinic for this was VERY uncomfortable... I'll leave it at that. haha. He did that for you, future child. :)
-----CONCLUSION: Normal. Well, I wouldn't be doing Jordan justice... it was WAY ABOVE normal. Yay! That's good.


***FOLLOW-UP Appointment:

After all of these procedures, we set up an appointment to speak with my RE. Jordan was able to come to this appointment, which was nice.

The RE sat with us for about an hour and explained everything to us and outlined everything for us. I love this about him. He gives us all the options and lets us decide... not just "here is the next step without any input from you".

Since all my tests came back mostly normal, the next step is trying Clomid again... but with ultrasound monitoring, not just blood tests like at my OB. This is more accurate and can tell at what point during the cycle I will be ovulating. The blood tests might have been taken at the wrong time if I don't ovulate according to "normal" timing. I could ovulate sooner or later in my cycle that wasn't showing up on my blood tests at that particular time they drew it. If this doesn't show that I am ovulating, then they will pair the Clomid with injections--- AH! SHOTS! Shots that I would have to give myself! I'll get to that hurdle if it comes, but ah! I can't imagine doing that.... Once I am showing that I will be ovulating, then they will be getting a semen sample from Jordan the day before and then injecting it in me at that specific time. This procedure is called Intrauterine Insemination, or IUI. I am so happy because usually this procedure is close to $1000.00 each month, but my insurance will cover it all! We'll just have to cover Jordan's semen "washing" since he doesn't have insurance. But, it is a tiny amount compared to what it could have been! *blessing*

So, the RE suggested to do maybe 3-4 cycles of IUI before trying In-Vitro Fertilization (IVF). I hope and pray that we will know what to do if it gets to that point because it is a huge step and a huge financial expense too, with no guarantees--- each cycle costing from $12,000-$18,000 depending on where you go!!! It's outrageous.

But, for now, we can hope that this might be the procedure that helps get you here. If not, then we'll keep trying and praying for you. Only God knows when it is the right time... maybe now isn't it. But, we feel that we should keep trying and we have faith and hope that things will go as planned and we will be happy with whatever the outcome. I know that God blesses those, whether in this life or the next. I know that if we can't have our own kids here in this life, then I know that I will have the opportunity to do so later and I will make the most of my life and be of service to others that need it.

Doing all that we can to get you here,
Mom and Dad

"I Would Die for That"

Dear Bundle of Joy,

The other day I happened to run across this song in another blog post (Ah- I can't remember which one!) and after hearing it, I was in tears. This song actually embodied something that I was thinking, feeling, and now speaking about.

When I had watched it the first time, I hadn't told anyone that we were having trouble trying to have you, not even my parents (your obachan and ogechan :) ). I wanted to keep the video, so I will be posting it here. :) Hopefully someday I will be like one of the people at the end of the video clip that holds a sign that says: "Heard heartbeat for the first time" or "Adopted a child". We cannot wait for you!

I WOULD DIE FOR THAT by KELLEY COFFIE:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JqfGqOx2iDQ

One thing that I always have on my mind is "how can someone abort their child?", and I know there are many positions on this topic, but I firmly believe that no matter the circumstance that God will always bless those who DO NOT choose this choice. Are there certain circumstances that may be right for some to do so? Maybe. I'm not one to say which is and isn't but, let me say it one more time...I firmly believe that no matter the circumstance that God will always bless those who DO NOT choose this choice. Most times it will be a major sacrifice to keep the child, but the Lord will bless one for doing so. But, as we know, we are all faced with choices in this life, but we cannot choose the consequences that follow them--- either in this life and/or the next. There are so many people, myself included, that are longing for a child (whether we bear them on our own or adopt) and as the song states, we are "dying" to have that opportunity that was presented to one who has a child/ or considering keeping or not keeping that child. One blessing that has come from this trial and struggle of not conceiving, is that I have grown more passionate about this issue of abortion and advocate for life whenever the chance presents itself. Anyway- that's enough of this topic... I could go on forever and I am not as eloquent as I hoped to be when putting my thoughts cohesively onto paper. :/

Anyway, as you can see, we are hoping and praying for you everyday. We aren't letting life pass us by and besides not having you, we have basically every blessing that God could give us. We are happy. We love life. We know it is in his timing. We are making this time without you useful but trying to improve, grow, and help others in ways that we might not as easily be able to once kids are in the mix. We love the Lord and love all his tender mercies he gives us in our life, even though we do not deserve them. We love you.

Love,
Mom and Dad

Hoping...

Dear Bundle of Joy,

Below is a poem (well, more like random thoughts and feelings) about our time trying to get you here. Enjoy!

HOPING

Sick-hoping

Late-hoping

Monthly- hoping

Counting days on

Counting days back

Timing

Happiness, jealousy, sadness when a friend was blessed

Empty

Missing

Yearning

Prayerful

Wishing

Disgust, envy, sadness when someone terminated

Hopeful

Wanting

Not understanding

Tearful nights

Wondering why???

Impatient? Maybe

(trying to be) Faithful

Cramping. Maybe?

Spotting. Maybe?

No.

Not

This

Month.

Bleeding-Crying

Maybe next month.

<3 Mom

Counting Others' Blessings

Dear Bundle of Joy,

Going to church has been hard the last couple of years. Let me just say that my testimony will never be broken by this trial. I am doing everything I can to preserve it. Usually I am happy, content, and hopeful, but there are those times that it is hard and I let the sadness creep in. Although church is a great place to be and a great place to be edified, I sometimes would focus on the wrong things. I've realized now that I needed to change my perspective of church and focus on how I can change my life/ ways rather than focus on what I am lacking and don't/ can't have right now.

Before I had this realization, I had a hard time going to church. I always went, always fulfilled my calling, did my visiting teaching most of the time, and tried to reach out to others while I was there on Sunday or at the activity nights. After we had been trying for about a year to have you, I wrote down some of my feelings in my journal which I'll put in here for you to read as well:

***(2013) It's hard at church because it obviously is family-centered and there are babies/ little kids everywhere! In relief society the lessons always relate to being a better mom, how to manage everything with kids, the trials of children, etc. The worst part is when other women relate their trials as "enduring the needs of their child/ren and sleepless nights, with day-in-day-out taking care of them, no time for them self, everything is on their child's schedule, etc. Do they know that others LONG for that? I would love that- it would mean I have a baby. I see moms getting frustrated and stressed when their child is kicking and screaming at church or at the store and I want that so badly- that means I have a baby. I hear that so-and-so can't afford this or that because of their children and I would trade places with them in an instant- that means that I have a baby. Facebook status's and posted pictures of pregnancy announcements or newborn pictures used to be so exciting to look at- always adorable; however, now they were getting harder and harder to look at because it reminded me of how I didn't have YOU. I hated how people would say, "you wouldn't know... you don't have kids" like I was somehow "less" than them and that they knew so much more. Maybe they do. But just because you have a kid doesn't mean you know everything about kids or what is best for them (i.e. I'm pretty sure I would know more of how to raise a child than a 14 year old teen mom who has a child- okay rant over).  I would also feel guilty whenever one of my close friends said that they were pregnant again because I would have so many mixed emotions: excited for them, sad about my situation, jealous that they are blessed with another child, but then hopeful that my turn would be next, then guilt for feeling those feelings about my friends. This vicious cycle would happen every---single---time! I hated it. The thing that hurt more was when someone "had an accident" and got pregnant and they're all like "Wow! We weren't even trying, but are so happy for this new addition!" I know I should feel happy for them, but sometimes it doesn't seem fair. But worst of all is news about abortion clinics/ people who went to get an abortion--- There are so many people who want/ hope for a baby out there, but there are also that many people who are so quick to kill that baby... :( ***

Didn't they realize how blessed they were??

I was also worried that people would see that we weren't having kids and assume that I was being selfish and putting my own goals ahead of having a family. We would have traded anything to have you here sooner- but apparently that wasn't in His plans. Every time I would meet someone new or we would move into a new ward, I hated "small talk" and introducing myself.

Person: We have a new sister in our ward that just moved in. Tell us a little about yourself!

Me: Well, my name is Brittany and My husband's name is Jordan. We just moved to ______. We have been married for ____years. He is in school/ a pilot/ works for ______. I am a special education teacher. We have a dog, but no kids yet.... but we are hoping any day that we are blessed with them... 

This conversation has happened countless times when moving into new wards or meeting new people. I feel bad because now, after being married for 5 years and being mormon, they assume that we have kids so then they start asking "how many kids do you have?" instead of "do you have any kids?".  I also feel bad because after I respond, I usually get something along the lines of "well, it's in God's timing". I just smile and know that this is true--- however, it doesn't make me feel any better at the moment. 

That was my rut last year: Didn't THEY realize how blessed THEY were??? I would find myself constantly thinking "why can't they just be grateful for what they have!?" and in a way judging them. I had skipped over all that I had to be grateful for and all that I had that was important to me.

Counting others' blessings when I should be counting my own

This list could go on FOREVER, really, but one night I listed out the biggest blessings that I could think of:

• More time for:
• going to the temple
• building a better relationship with God (you can actually read your scriptures and pray in peace! haha) and Jordan
• making homemade dinners
• going out to dinner or a movie on a whim (even if was already 10pm!) without thought of getting a babysitter
• serving others
• helping out people in the ward, fulfill hard callings, be a better neighbor
• Having a husband whom loved me and I loved him
• My family/ wonderful upbringing and experiences
• Great friends from when I was in elementary school
• I was able to finish school and work while Jordan was able to quit his job and go to school
• financially more stable- reliable car, safe house, we both had jobs
• I could actually have a clean house if I wanted!
• I was married to my best friend for eternity
• I was/ am able to continue to build a more personal relationship with my Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ my Savior, and the the Holy Ghost

Obviously some things on this list aren't that important (like being financially more stable), but it definitely could be a trial in someone else's life and we were blessed enough to not have to worry about that right now. We really didn't have anything to complain or be sad about in any other aspect of our life... we were truly blessed. 

I have been told that when we tear our self down we are actually comparing others' strengths to our weaknesses. After thinking about this, I realized that what I was doing was comparing others' blessings to my trials. Of course it would skew my perspective and consume me if I focused on what others had compared to what I didn't have. I knew I had to change this and that it wasn't fair to me to be doing this. I understand that now, but it is still hard to keep the "big picture"/ "eternal perspective" in mind. 

Another huge blessing that comes from this trial is that I will have an increased growth and appreciation for the kids that do come to us eventually. I know what it is like to work full-time and know I won't be a SATHM who longs to get out of the house and work instead of taking care of diapers/spills/laundry, etc. Even though monotonous and energy draining, I will try my best to realize that this is what I had been longing for and hoping for my whole life: to be a mom. I know that I will think twice about complaining to Jordan about this or that or how we can't afford things or getting angry at my children. I know I will still do those things, but I'm thinking that I will have a better filter after this experience of wanting it so badly haha.  

I know that as much as I hated hearing it, I knew and know that God has a plan for me. He hasn't sent you to us yet for a reason. Maybe it's because I need to know that it is on HIS timing, not mine. I like things planned out and when it is in my control it happens according to that timeline. However, I know that there might be something else in store for me before you arrive to us. I am definitely grateful for this trial. In all honesty, before I knew that we would have problems with fertility,  I did pray for a trial to help me become a better person. I thought it was a good idea at the time... I felt like I needed something to help me grow spiritually. I guess the lesson here is be careful  what you ask God for, hehe. It definitely has helped me become more fervent and sincere in my prayers, scripture study, and personal revelation. It has helped me have empathy for others going through the same things. I know that the road is not yet finished and I will have the blessing of learning and growing more. The Lord is so kind to do this for me... and ultimately you--- you'll be getting a better Mommy than if you came when we had wanted you to. 

---Mom and Dad

...And So It Begins...

Dear (future) Bundle of Joy,

***This is my FIRST blogpost!***

This is my sad attempt at starting a blog. I have tried to keep one up a couple times before but had a hard time of being consistent-time would pass- and eventually it would fade away from my things "to do". I felt that I never had time and I would be writing about the same things over and over: school, work, dates with your dad, etc. I also would like to tell you that I am not a great creative writer. So, this blog will be more so "letters to you" and a record of our "story"... our "trying to conceive" story... and hopefully beyond that :). Although not a widely interesting topic to whomever might read this- maybe only you- it will serve as an outlet for me to get my feelings onto paper as best as I can and can reflect on past emotions, experiences, triumphs, pitfalls, and everything else in between.

I regret not documenting the many fun memories, trips, and adventures that your dad and I have had over the last 5 years. I guess you'll just have to trust us that those fun stories/ adventures we had together as a young, married couple are true ;)

This last week was our 5TH wedding anniversary!!! Crazy how time flys when you're having fun (see previous blog posts about all the adventures your dad and I have had---oh wait, I didn't write it down...;)) 

Since we have been married we've:

-honeymooned in Sedona (ask us about the "red rocks"/ pink jeep tour guide story/ "patience")

-gone on a cruise to Puerto Vallarta, Mazatlan, and Cabo

-Went to Vegas a couple times (Mon Ami Gabi! Magic Shows!)

-California/ Utah trips

-Hawaii!!! WE WILL BE BACK!

-We have bought and sold several cars/ trucks

-We have bought and sold a house (which paid for his flight school!)

-We are currently in the process of buying another house

-We got our first dog, Scout--- and I have fallen in LOVE with her

-grown closer to each other and God

-increased our testimony and realized that it truly is the way we want to live our life

-tried to be as responsible as a newlywed/ young couple could be

-I graduated from ASU with a dual major in elementary education and special education

-I started my first "real" job as a special education teacher working with k-1 kiddos :) 

-I worked as that special education teacher for 3 years... and I rocked it hehe

-Dad has worked many jobs in the last 5 years, but I'm sure he has told you about the "dead bodies" job, if not then PLEASE REMIND HIM haha.

-Dad was a natural at working hard and managing/ recruiting people

-Dad turned down a 6 figure salary when he was 25 to instead start his passion of becoming a pilot

-Dad is finishing up his bachelors degree and flight school right now--- I am so proud of him!

-moved 7 times (remember, we've only been married 5 years- WE ARE CRAZY!)

-loved every minute together, even if it was just a simple night out to dinner- just the two of us. 

I feel that we have done a lot in the last five years of being married. Some more important than others. However, there is one thing for which we would trade all those previous "accomplishments" and "events"...

One thing that has yet to grace our list is.... you :(

Our 5 year wedding anniversary has come and passed, which coincidentally is our 2 year anniversary of hoping that our Bundle of Joy would have come into our life (3 years of trying). This blog is for you to know how much we want you, what we are doing to get you here into our eternal family, and the emotional roller coaster that outlines it all. We truly cannot wait until you are with us. This blog also serves as an outlet where I can post my ups, my downs, my thoughts; it is sort of a way to organize my thoughts, get it out on "paper", and not have these emotions cooped up inside. Who knows if I will share this blog with others that are close to me... but I know that YOU will read it... someday. 

That being said, we cannot wait until we can finally walk into a restaurant and say, "Cutright, party of Three". :)

Love,
Your Parents