Rollercoaster Ride...

Dear Bundle of Joy,

TUESDAY, MAY 17, 2016...

:) :) :) THIS IS THE FIRST POSITIVE PREGNANCY TEST THAT I HAVE EVER GOTTEN... IN MY LIFE!!! :) :) :) 

I of course started crying my eyes out... Below is the video I recorded when I took a peek at the stick for the first time... I was in disbelief.

I had to head off to work and couldn't believe what I saw! It finally happened. It's like I couldn't get too excited because now the fear of miscarriage is looming in the back of my head.

I went in to have a beta test done at Dr. Amols' office. They will check my levels and confirm pregnancy. They called me back and my HCG levels were around 357. They said this was very good and anything above a 5 meant I was pregnant. They wanted somethingI will go in again on Thursday to make sure that my levels have at least doubled... this is suggesting a live pregnancy that is progressing.

I can't believe you're here... now here's to hoping for a safe, healthy pregnancy! You could be here by the end of January if everything goes according to plan!

Wednesday, May 18, 2016- I was able to tell your dad tonight about me finding out that I was pregnant!!! It was a sight to see. I put a baby onesie as well as a "ticket" for "Baby Air" saying that the ticket was for the birth of our child... He wasn't noticing it on the kitchen table so I couldn't take it anymore so I said "Go look on the table!" He immediately said, "You're kidding, right?" I shook my head no and he immediately pulled me in to give me a big hug. He kept saying, "I love you, I love you, you're not kidding?" Warm tears started streaming down my face and I could tell that he was crying too because his body was trembling. He looked like the wind got knocked out of him.

When I pulled away, he said something that really showed me how excited he is for you to come. He said, "I don't think other people understand how exciting this is. They just get pregnant and find out quickly. They didn't have to go through all that you did". He also kept saying he was proud of me for doing this (i.e. all the doctor's appointments, shots, and heartache). It really meant a lot to me to hear that from him. Below is a picture of the onesie and "plane ticket".  We plan on sending these tickets to my parents and Jordan's parents. I made it in Keynote and just had them printed at Costco. We're probably going to wait until 8-12 weeks though... That would put us at around the middle of June or the middle of July... it's going to be soooo hard to keep this a secret! :)

Thursday, May 19, 2016: Today I had to go get another blood test again to confirm a healthy pregnancy. Since my HCG numbers were in the mid 300's, they were hoping for a number around 700. I was hoping for the best. I had a really bad migraine today, but not sickness of any kind. So, that could be good or bad. 

Friday, May 20, 2016: I received a call today saying that my numbers had declined. They were around 290. Not the news I wanted to hear. They want to bring me in on Sunday morning for another blood draw.

Sunday, May 22, 2016: I went to the office again today for another blood draw. I asked them what the outcomes could be and this is what they said: 

1) My numbers go down more: This would indicate an impending miscarriage. They said this option was safer than if my numbers went up.

2) My numbers go up: This would indicate a possible ectopic pregnancy (the egg attached to one of my fallopian tubes instead of my uterine wall). This could damage my tube and cause it to have to be removed, therefore unusable in the future.

So, my options were looking bleak. I left the office and held my composure until I shut my car door. A lump in my throat welled up, warm tears built up in my eyes, and finally a cry came out of my mouth. I couldn't believe that it had come to this: it finally happened; we got pregnant and now it was over already. Both options were devastating. I drove to church and tried to wipe away the evidence of me losing it in the car ride there. 

When I arrived, I grabbed Jordan as he walked out of Sacrament meeting and told him the news. I started crying again and he just held me. It was a sad moment. Completely opposite of what we felt last Wednesday night.

When I got home from church, I noticed that the doctor's office called and left me a message... they said it was good news and to give them a call. Good news? So,  I was thinking, "I guess my numbers dropped like they wanted". I called them back and no one answered. I was bummed because they might have all left for the day (on Sunday, they only do work for the time-sensitive patients in the morning and leave for the day since it is technically their day off). I left a message and about a half-hour later Dr. Amols gave me a call. He mentioned that my numbers came back today at over 2,000!!! This was so strange to go from 290 to over 2,000 that he had them re-run my blood work #2... he said there was a mistake and my blood work #2 was really at over 1,000!!! This meant that it was over double from my blood work #1.  He said he didn't know why the blood work came back so off and apparently it happened to someone else that day too. SO- apparently he said that everything looks fantastic. He mentioned that there could even be more than one possible because of how good the numbers are. :) :) :) :) :) So, we'll see. 

EVERYTHING LOOKS GOOD AS OF RIGHT NOW. EVEN THOUGH THINGS CAN CHANGE QUICKLY, IM GRATEFUL FOR A LITTLE MORE TIME WITH MY BABY ( OR BABIES)!!!

Love, 

Your Mom

Mother's Day

Dear Bundle of Joy,

This time of year has come again. I don't have many thoughts racing through my head like usual on this day.  However, it is hard to have a day set aside to remind me of what I DON'T have. It is also hard to know that what I want is righteous, but it just hasn't happened yet. I'm still trying to wrap my head around not being able to fulfill a commandment of "multiplying and replenishing the earth". I know the desires of our hearts is what matters, but it's something I think about periodically. Even with that said, it hasn't been as hard as the past couple years though, thankfully. Thoughts of having my own kids linger, but my thoughts are mainly geared toward my mom, family, and friends who are mothers.

Selfless. Loving. Charitable. Cheerful. Disciplined. Organized. Frugal. Calm. Reflective. Hardworking. Peacemaker. These words all describe my mom, your Obachan. I know you know she loves you. She's waited a long time for you too. Growing up, her love has always been shown to me; she always had a home of love and organization. She taught me how to clean, be respectful to others, and was always there after school- taxiing me to after school activities, sports, and friends houses. She was and is so selfless for our family. I love her and hope to be like her with my own family.

During church today I was reflecting on the tender mercies in my life recently. A couple of weeks ago, I had just found out that my 2nd IUI didn't work. It was devastating to say the least. I didn't want to go to church on account of my eyes being red from crying all morning. I thought about not going. I could skip one Sunday, right? I went anyway though. A tender mercy was shown me throughout the whole Sacrament meeting. It always seems like the days I feel like not going, but do, are the days that really have a big impact on me.

All the hymns sung that day spoke to me. One in Particular was "Lord, I Would Follow Thee". I have probably sung this hymn hundreds of times in my life but this time the lyrics were and are so powerful to me.

Savior, may I learn to love thee, 

Walk the path that thou has shown, 

Pause to help and lift another, 

Finding strength beyond my own.

Savior, may I learn to love thee, 

Lord, I would follow thee.

Who am I to judge another

When I walk imperfectly?

In the quiet heart is hidden

Sorrow that the eye can't see.

Who am I to judge another?

Lord, I would follow thee.

I would be my brother's keeper;

I would learn the healers art.

To the wounded and the weary

I would show a gentle heart.

I would be my brother's keeper

Lord, I would follow thee.

Savior, may I love my brother

As I know thou lovest me, 

Find in thee my strength, my beacon, 

For thy servant I would be.

Savior, may I love my brother

Lord, I would follow thee.

No matter where I am spiritually, no matter what is going on in my life, I can choose to follow the Savior and His example. I can do what God wants. I can help others. I can try to help with their burdens. With His strength I can keep going. I know this to be true. Like I've said before, I cannot handle the grief and sorrow and loss that I feel every month without the enabling power of the atonement. I am truly grateful for this challenge... it has given me a relationship with my Savior and Heavenly Father that I know wouldn't have come to pass another other way. Although difficult and I want it to pass, I know it is for my good.

All of the talks that day were on the Atonement and a couple spoke of the enabling power of the Atonement. It was all reassuring that God loves me. He wants me to be happy. He is there for me. He is there for you, whenever and whatever the instance.

The fight goes on. We are continuing with fertility treatments and hope one (you) will stick.

Although tough, this day also is a reminder of what I DO have: 
-I have faith in God, His timing, and His ways
-I have a testimony in this gospel, which gives me the faith and comfort I seek
-I have a loving husband, your dad, that is working as hard as he can to provide for our family
-I have a loving mother and father. One to cherish and love. Some aren't so lucky to have their parents alive to celebrate with.
-I have a great family who loves me
-We have jobs, a nice house, all things temporally that we need
-We have Scout, my emotional support doggie. Even though she hates my squeezes, she sits through them most of the time... I think she knows it helps me when I long to hold you...

Until you come,
[future] Mom