The last month has been a whirlwind: moving (AGAIN!), getting the school year wrapped up, packing up my classroom, and your dad left to North Dakota for work and applying for flying jobs around there! Will things every slow down? I think not.
Through all this craziness, I have been trying to find uplifting and spiritual messages regarding our struggle to get you here and how we, as parents, can "keep the faith" that all will work out for our good. Deep down, we know that EVERYTHING is in God's timing and are faithful in this... however, like I said before, sometimes I become sad or doubtful--- we just want you here! :)
Anyway, through contemplation, study, and research, I came upon this very important truth about a month ago: Motherhood is more of a characteristic, rather than how many children you have actually borne.
Knowing the story of Adam and Eve, Adam and Eve were commanded to "multiply and replenish the Earth". They were commanded this before they even understood what this meant... since they were "as little children". Eve was called the "Mother of all living" before she bore children. In order for her to realize what they were commanded and to start having children, they had to "fall" first.
Like Eve, I had to have a "falling" of my own.
A falling of pride- thinking that "its not fair", "why me", "I should be a mother NOW", "I would be such a good mom!".
A falling to my knees
A falling of my own plans
With these falls, I actually rose.
A rise in humility.
A rise in faith.
A rise in hope.
A rise in gratitude and love.
A rise in empathy.
A rise in service.
A rise in selflessness.
A rise in gospel knowledge--- really truly believing in that God will keep all his promises and that we'll be given a chance to raise children in the next life... if it doesn't happen here.
A rise in commitment and dedication to the Lord- that no matter the trial, I will remain faithful.
I realized that the PROS definitely out-weigh the CONS. And, more PROS are added every day! I am grateful for trials and the "rises" they bring to me... with each rise, I get closer to heaven, to feel of his love for me and all that is in store for me--- in this life and in the next.
About a month after I had this realization, I came upon this quote from Sister Patricia Holland:
"As I tenderly acknowledge the very real pain that many single women, or married women who have not borne children, feel about any discussion of motherhood, could we consider this one possibility about our eternal female identity—our unity in our diversity? Eve was given the identity of “the mother of all living”—years, decades, perhaps centuries before she ever bore a child. It would appear that her motherhood preceded her maternity, just as surely as the perfection of the Garden preceded the struggles of mortality. I believe mother is one of those very carefully chosen words, one of those rich words—with meaning after meaning after meaning. We must not, at all costs, let that word divide us. I believe with all my heart that it is first and foremost a statement about our nature, not a head count of our children."
YES!!! She definitely captured what I was thinking and what I was trying to formulate in my mind a month ago, but she says it so much more eloquently!!!
So, today is Mother's Day. I first off have to say that I have the best mom, your grandma, that anyone could have: she is selfless, hardworking, loving, fun, compassionate. I hope to be half the mom that she is. I don't know how she does it!
Through friends (or friends of friends) who can relate, I have seen MANY people who let this trial destroy their faith. Some let it overtake their life... which I can completely understand--- it's heartbreaking, it's lonely at times, it's unfair-seeming, it's a long road (which I've only started!), it's a righteous desire so why isn't it happening!? I understand the emotions behind it. Do I get sad? Do I cry sometimes at night thinking about not having you here? Do I long to hold you at night? Do I long for your crying fits, "blowouts", and temper tantrums?--- Well, maybe not that... ;) But, Yes, yes, yes, and yes. However, I will choose to NOT let it ruin my life. It's funny because your dad and I have this motto of "Don't let it ruin your life". We use it playfully (i.e. when I say I need to go to sleep because of work the next day... dad will say "don't let it ruin your life"... haha), but it really is true. I cannot, will not, let this ruin my life. However, I do understand that this day is hard for a lot of people.
So, with all that I've learned thus far about "Motherhood", this day is not only for those who have borne children but also for:
---those women who deeply yearn to be married and be a wife and eventually a mother
---those men and women who long to be parents but have not had the chance to do so
---parents who have fostered, adopted, or a combination of the two
---those parents who lost a child
---those women who have had one or multiple miscarriages
---ANY women who longs to be a mother...
Remember, being a mother might mean that you physically have children, but it also has SO MANY MORE meanings like Sister Holland stated above. Being motherly is an eternal characteristic that I hope to continue to develop...
Once again, by the time you get here, hopefully I'll be that much more "motherly". :)
See you shortly,
Mom
